Write-a-Letter Wednesday, My Future Children

~~~I'm hoping to make this a regular thing: write a letter every Wednesday to a family member, friend, God, or anyone else who has impacted me that week. ~~~



Dear Future Children,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. When will you come? What will you look like? Do we have enough money saved? And have your daddy and I learned enough about love to be gentle, patient, kind parents in the near future?


I worry, little ones, about whether I've killed enough of myself to be a godly mother. Or, will the pressures and stress of everyday life warp the progress I've made? I see so many examples of out-of-control children fighting with their stressed-out, end-of-their-rope parents, and I don't want to be the angry mom at Walmart. Plus, I work with kids who have disorders and whose parents are overworked and underprepared to deal with it, and I'm sure they have asked themselves whether they made a mistake have children when they did. I don't blame them. Some of my students are difficult for me to love, even with the Holy Spirit helping me.

And I have a confession: I'm always glad to go home to a quiet house at the end of the day. I love my naps and reading time. I enjoy writing on my blog. I like that the floors and windows stay clean for awhile after I wash them, instead of being covered with toys or fingerprints within a few minutes. Am I still too selfish to have my habits changed so drastically once you come into my life?

But I know God has big plans for you and me. I'm so excited about teaching you--science and math and language. I want to answer all of your questions! I'm ready to kiss you and smile with you and tell people "thank you" when they compliment your curly, strawberry-blond hair. (It seems your geneology makes that inevitable. You're in for some big feet, too. Sorry.) And I will be so priviledge to help you navigate the stumbling blocks on this earth, ultimately to arrive at the Truth in life. Yes, I know there are plenty of beautiful moments ahead.
---

Little ones, some of you may join our family in unexpected ways--as God has been planting ideas about fostering and adopting in my head. I know He has equipped me to handle many chaotic, unconventional scenarios, and I've promised Him to use my emotional and psychological resources if he will provide the physical means to care for our group. And, since He never lets us down when me make a bargain like that, I can't wait to see who He brings into our lives.

Also, I'm so happy that God has given you a wonderful father, who loves me and will love you unconditionally forever and ever. You can trust him with everything, and when you climb on his lap, you will better understand the peace and comfort of your Heavenly Father's arms, too. What else could we ask for in a family?

But my prayer is that I'll find a way to let go of the "me" I am today, in order to be completely sold-out for you and Daddy--without whining about the way things "used to be." I'll never really mean it if I try to say that life was "better" before you came. Sometimes my mouth gets loose and does damage before my heart gets it under control again.

And my prayer for you is that you'll understand just how much thought and preparation has gone into your arrival, and how excited I am for you already. With all this thinking, lesson-learning, and hopeful expecting, I know deep down I'm just about ready, and I won't miss the naps and the clean windows too much. Plus, since love is evident in the things we do--and it isn't determined by insignificant things like having not met yet--I can say for sure that I love you already.

Waiting to hold you,
Your Mommy

What Happens When You Just Don't Care

Well, I kind of snapped last night.
Luke has been extremely busy with work and school lately. For some reason, his boss scheduled extra hours at the hospital around the same time his professors scheduled extra homework... AND, he also downloaded a new computer game lately which is "very fun." Several hours worth of fun, it seems.

Have I mentioned quality time is important to me?

And since I haven't had some good Soul Talk with an earthly friend in awhile, and since I started feeling sorry for myself about all the alone-time I've had, and since I was tired of asking God to fix problems in me and was ready for Him to just fix someone else for awhile, I got mad. And when Luke started drifting off to sleep instead of talking through it with me, I got more mad.

Of course, there were other complications. Luke could tell I was upset, and he isn't very good at the "talk through it" part. He tends to get defensive, and he also translates my point of view as me telling him he's wrong.... it makes our conversations drag on and take on a circular form. Luke either gets frustrated enough to get sarcastic, or he sits silently...and eventually starts to doze off. (By the way, my intent isn't to hang out Luke's dirty laundry for all to see. He would admit to all of this.)

Anyway, eventually I tried walking out of the room to show him how mad I was, but that just made the room quiet so he could sleep better. So, I spent a couple minutes praying very loudly to God--telling Him I didn't feel prepared for this bickering because my heart was hurting and I hadn't been built up properly thoughout the week. I told Him I was starving for Christian fellowship, and the fact that I don't often get it from my own husband was more-than-a-little irritating. And I thought it was cruel of Him to expect me to continue my quest for selflessness when that left NOBODY to take care of me. (It's how I felt, okay?)

And I was especially loud about it, partly because I felt like yelling at my Dad in Heaven for how unfair he made this life, and mostly because I hoped my volume would disturb Luke's peace. But, when that didn't work, I finally told God, "I don't care about being selfless right now," and I stomped back into the bedroom to flick on the light in my lover's face.

I got more mean from there.

I said, "I'm so tired of crying by myself in the living room!"
"I'm so tired of praying and reading scripture and calming my own soul, without your help." And then said, "It's probably selfish what I'm doing right now, but I don't care. I want to punish you for this."

These were the honest, angry words of my heart. I felt all of it. I meant all of it. And I was telling Luke the truth as it seemed to me in that moment.

Yet, here's the truth as it appears from a better-rested perspective, from the vantage of the "me" who is off work for the day, looking at the blue sky, fresh-from-devotions, and who has receieved several uplifting compliments about my blog, my teaching abilities, and my character in the last 8 hours. The truth from this positive frame of mind is that I'm married to a wonderfully loving, patient man.

He let's me yell when I need to, even if he has no idea how to help me. He is quick to confess his wrongs--at least much quicker than I am. And he loves me in a way that makes me understand Christ's love better. I've never doubted Luke's devotion, EVER.... He is a safe person with whom to be angry because he never holds grudges or threatens to leave. He never makes me feel small on purpose or tries to tear me down. I've never doubted his love for me, even during the times I doubted whether I could love him properly. And that counts for a whole lot.

I'm happy to report we did not go to bed angry. And, I'm pretty sure I avoided the F-bomb, unlike the last argument we had. (I'll have to ask Luke because sometimes blinding rage messes with your memory.) Anyway, as usual, I burst into tears once I unleashed my anger, and Luke held me and apologized for letting me go so long without his companionship.

But why do I share this story? I'm still sad about the time we lost this week, and I know we have a long way to go before the root issue is "fixed." We found sore spots during our discussion, ranging from priorities to passion. We questioned our communications skills and talked about how unfortunate it is that we don't always WANT to spend every waking moment together--as we did years ago. Ours was a multi-faceted dispute, so in that sense, the problem isn't "over."

But I needed to share the story of the Time I Just Didn't Care, in favor of confession (Hi, my name is Amanda, and I'm recovering from complete Self-Obsession. Last night, I relapsed.) And also, to encourage you there IS peace and forgiveness on the other side, once you start caring again.

Sorry, Luke. Sorry, God. I'm ready to do better.

To Have a Friend...

It turns out, people annoy me.

Part of my issue is I don't have very many Christian friends nearby, which means the majority of my interraction is with people vastly different from myself. I meet individuals who believe the government is responsible for their happiness, that healthy relationships are stumbled upon with luck, that there are many roads to the spiritual being you may call "God," etc. And after awhile, being assaulted with all the WRONG gets annoying. (See my rants on Dr. Phil's advice and the punk teenager for examples of clashing with the opinions of others.)

But--the perfectionist quote I posted yesterday got me thinking--the biggest contributing factor to my irritation is that I hold people to an incredibly high standard.... I expect a lot from myself, but I expect just as much--if not more--from others. And when humans do human things, it upsets me. A lot. And I have to let it all out with a big rant.

I have people praying for me, asking God to send a good sister-in-Christ to replenish my soul and speak the truth to me, so I can keep sharing truth with others. (And, by the way, I'd love if this individual was older than me. Like married-50-years-and-thinks-she's-too-old-to-be-of-use. Because I CRAVE the wisdom of a woman in her golden years. And furthermore, the fact that I don't go to concerts or movies, that I lead a mostly sedentary lifestyle, and that I talk to my cats makes me feel I'm actually a 70-year-old trapped in this body anyway.)

BUT, could it be that I'm not ready for that mentor, yet? If I expect so much out of people, what will stop me from deeming my would-be prayer partner "not good enough," and shoving her away? Would my first or second impression be one of annoyance?

I want more friends. It's important that I find a way to mingle with people who challenge me. I want to have more than conversations about the weather or what's happening Downtown all the time. I want a good theological debate sometimes. I need to be brought down to size sometimes. And an open-book kind of honesty is essential in my relationships.

But, to have a friend, I must be a friend. And when I cross the line into being annoyed with people who don't meet my criteria, I'm basically saying I'm better than them. Which is my problem, not theirs.

Please help me use the same patience and see the same potential that You do, Father.

A Confession and a Mission

Confession: I've never read the Bible straight through....

I've read most of it, and I've studied, scrutinized, wrestled with, and even memorized substantial portions. And I mean it when I insist the more time I spend with the Bible, the more I appreciate the way it changes me. But I've never made it through the book from beginning-to-end.

Mission: Change that problem.

And this time, I have a game plan I think I can stick with.
Thanks to the "reading plans" from Crosswalk.com, all I have to do is read what it puts on the screen for me every day, and I will make it through the Bible in a year. I don't have to carry a copy of scripture with me or remember to pack a devotional book when I take an overnight trip. All I have to do is find a computer and mark the little box that says "I did it" when I'm finished.

The past two days, I've been reading those selections first thing in the morning, along with saying that day's prayer for Luke (from Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Wife) and reading one of the 30 Things I Need to Tell My Husband. Plus, when I'm already on Crosswalk.com, I tend to see interesting articles or forum questions that I can't resist peeking into--usually about parenting or teaching.

SOOOO, with all that reading material, I've run into several interesting quotes I'd like to share.
I thought about dedicating a post to each quote seperately, but why do I feel I need to tell you guys what to think all the time? Maybe you'll appreciate the quotes by themselves, the way I did, WITHOUT my commentary.

"The perfectionist often expects more from others than she does from herself."

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible."

"There is nothing wrong with a marriage that sacrifice won't heal."

Okay now that I've re-read those and remembered how good they are, I know I won't be able to resist giving my own thoughts about them in the near future.

But not today.

Wish me luck on my Bible-reading endevours!

Bundle of Joy....?

Another unmarried friend announced her pregnancy recently. And she received the typical slew of congratulations, just as they all do. But I make it a point never to congratulate the girl on THIS side of the baby's arrival, because I know what is waiting for her in the near future. Give it a year and her Facebook status will read, "Why are men such immature pigs? That's okay, Little One. We don't need your daddy in our lives. I'm a strong, independent woman....blah blah blah."

And I feel so badly for the child, who does have a selfish and immature father....and a selfish, immature mother to match.

Sorry, but the act of getting pregnant does not make you a grown-up. And simply "staying in the child's life" doesn't qualify you as the mature one, either. Young girls who allow young boys access to their pants are just as guilty when the whole situation crumbles, and I will not join in the celebrations and congratulations when it all begins.

There is some talk among church members about the proper way to handle the unwed mother issue. And most arrive at the conclusion that the Christian thing to do is open our arms and show them the love of Christ instead of passing judgement. The argument is that it's "Not the baby's fault" and "Jesus would love her regardless." These things are true, and I'm too big a fan of love to disagree completely.

BUT, this philosophy has become so distorted that we no longer call "sin" what it is, and I was even tempted to water down this post. I actually worried I might offend someone with the truth, and I NEVER thought I'd shy away from that. Yes, Jesus loved. But He also told it like it is.

I'm heart-broken over this problem especially due to the alarming number of children from single-parent homes who are part of my classroom. The truth is that being without a father messes kids up. It may be reparable. Those kids may come to enjoy a great relationship with their Heavenly Father some day. Or they may appear on a daytime talk show spouting about the way they overcame great obstacles and how wonderful their mother is for holding down three jobs and playing the role of both Mommy and Daddy, etc. etc.

But it still makes me sick because I know this isn't what God had in mind when he designed family. I can't be happy for the baby, when I know that in 5 or 6 years, the kid will go to school not knowing how to communicate with peers and share toys because Mom and Dad call each other names and can't figure out how to "share" the job of raising a child. I refuse to glorify the brand of single-parenthood spreading like a fungus among my aquaintances--the kind not brought on by a tragic death or uninvited sexual violation--but by selfishness.

If you moved in with your boyfriend or girlfriend and had sex (unprotected) because it felt good, then that was selfish. If you played house and decided to bring a child into an unstable environment, without the commitment, then you were selfish. And if you decided to end the relationship with the baby's father/mother because it was easier than being patient and kind and generally loving, then you are selfish.

....now for the silver lining: Redemption is possible. You don't have to go through one nasty breakup after another--having children with multiple partners, working multiple jobs, and wasting multiple years wondering why you're still not happy. God is ready to help you grow up. But it won't always feel good.

Not nearly as good as when all of your friends shower you with gifts and shout "congratulations."

The Service of "Sorry"

There are Theologians who teach it's possible to achieve a state of sinlessness. (Some even say Christians MUST stop sinning completely in order to be truly saved.) They teach that Christ's death on the cross defeated sin, and gave us the power to live totally, literally pure lives.

Luke and I had been dating only 5 or 6 months when we had our first, tear-streaked argument over that very suggestion. Luke's grandfather gave him a book by Charles Capps, in which I believe Capps mentions the exact date of the last time he sinned...? Or he at least he gave the number of years it had been. And I had a MAJOR problem with that.

Unfortunately, as our conversation wore on, I discovered I didn't have a very solid explanation for why I disagreed with Capps (since the opposite conclusion seems to be saying, "We HAVE to sin.") Thus, our discussion turned emotional rather than factual, and to this day, I'm still not happy with my understanding of the matter. Is it possible to overcome sin on this side of Heaven? (Feel free to comment with your own views.)

But I DO believe the Bible places an awful lot of importance on confession and repentence for sin to be a thing of the past.

God spells out steps for reconciliation in Matthew. He tells us to confess our sins to one another in James. And he assures us over and over again that He will forgive our transgressions when we ask Him. These things seem to suggest we are bound to make bad decisions once in awhile. And we should prepare to be honest about it.

So here it is:
*I'm sorry I was short-tempered during rest time at the daycare, when the kids weren't lying still.

*I'm sorry I swore under my breath when I was arguing with a strong-willed boy, my hair was falling out of the pony-tail, and the stuff I had put away in the closet fell in a heap on the floor.

*I'm sorry I was nasty to Luke this morning, when I came home and found him still in bed. I think I even called him "lazy."

*And mostly, I'm sorry because I know that my attitude is such even at this moment that I would do all of those things again. I want to justify all of those things with the fact that I'm fatigued and over-worked and beginning my least-favorite-week-of-the-month. And it will be hard not to mutter negatively or snip at Luke even right after I hit "post." ...I'm sorry.

....This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Ahhhhh. The freedom which comes from confession is glorious." But, the truth is, I don't feel better yet. I'm still distracted by the thought of the dishes and the vacuuming, the fact that I haven't been sleeping well, and the gnawing pain in my lower abdomen thanks to Mother Nature. Plus, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, when I have to get back on the battle field and keep from sinning in those SAME situations.

I'm cranky.

But please be proud of me, Lord Jesus, for recognizing my short comings and laying them at your feet. I'm in a bad place, where my actions produce a lot to be sorry for. But remember it no more.

The Service of Silence

I had an impromptu Deletion of Facebook Friends session today. It started when a former friend's recent update popped into my news feed and pushed me to make the decision: scream at him or remove him from my sight.
Rather than describe what this kid is like, I've captured part of his biography information, in his own words:




Okay, so apparently the snap is really small and blurry for some reason. But the important points are: he is 17, "loves money," politically supports "black presidents," and attends the "church of hard knocks."

So, today, when his status update said something about the "F***ing police who put him in handcuffs because they're ignorant and all they do is see a young black kid who has been in some trouble before and start profiling and blah blah blah," I was ready to unleash on him.

I was VERY READY to say, "Get the bandana off your head, pull your pants up, and stop hanging out in shady places late at night." I was VERY READY to say, "Have some respect for the men and women trying to keep the streets safe, and maybe they would have more respect for you." And I was ready, ready, READY to say, "You should complain to the black president about the injustice" or, "I guess that's what it's like in the school of hard knocks." There is nothing more satisfying than sarcasm in these situations.

But, drat the Holy Spirit and His firm decision that I should look the other way if I can't handle the ignorance anymore. I heard a plain and simple "No."

And here is why: the truth is, this kid gets in trouble for underaged drinking, he's been delinquent in school, he has stolen things, gotten into fights repeatedly, and admits all he cares about are money, sports, and women... But I'm not in the position to convict him about these things.

I mean, I have no credibility with him at all. Telling him to grow up and get a life would feel wonderful, and--given the opportunity--I'd inform him that playing the victim will get him nowhere, and he needs to take responsibility and clean up his act before he'll find a comfortable place in life. But I was not given that opportunity.

If we influence people through love, then we are obligated to make an investment in their lives. Love is active and patient and grows stronger through practice, so it requires direct contact. But the only thing I've invested in this kid is plenty of rolled eyes and angry sighs. I've never SAID two words to him. And, if there IS someone in his life working hard to bring him back to God, there is a real possibility I could damage that progress by butting in and chewing him out.

My hope is that God already placed someone in the boy's sphere to help him change his perspectives and move from selfish into service. But this married, 22-year-old, white-woman is not cut out for the job. So I shall remain silent.

I and my delete button have been silent.