Loaf of Trouble

Get out your pens, Ladies.

Today I'm sharing my recipe for making the perfect Loaf of Trouble:

Ingredients

-4-6 pieces of chicken, some stuffing, and breadcrumbs

-1 cup of Fatigue (the "Monthly Visitor" brand works best)

-1 small, cabinet-raiding child

-An over-worked husband, divided. (They separate like eggs: allow your husband very little sleep over several days, and you'll soon be left with just a shell.)

-Equal parts Over-sensitivity and Self-Interest

-Poor Judgement, to taste

Method

While turning the chicken, stuffing, and breadcrumbs into a meal, the chef should trip over the cabinet-raiding child several times, until mildly annoyed. (Note: if working near a recently-swept floor, pour breadcrumbs on it.)  Next, ask the conscious half of the husband to look after baby--save the rest for later. Place over heat.  Don't worry if husband doesn't require much heat before sweetly agreeing--as mine did yesterday. Move to last step.

Use liberal amounts of poor judgement to spread Self-Interest and Over-Sensitivity on top of the remaining (exhausted shell) portion of husband. 

Sample technique:

Wife: It would be great if you'd fix the fridge today.

Husband: I already know.

Wife: You seem grumpy.

Husband: I'm tired.

Wife: You're short-fused.

Husband: Maybe you're being too sensitive.

Wife: So, I just have to deal with it, because you're tired?

Husband:  Oh, here we go.

Wife: What's THAT supposed to mean?...

Continue pounding dough in this manner, until serving raw.

Variations:

Last night, Luke took my Loaf of Trouble and sweetened it with patience and kindness until it was unrecognizable. At 3:15am--which is wide-awake time for a third shift person--Luke woke me to apologize for his part in the baking. He said his backwards-schedule complicates things; he struggles with irritability during his "off-hours." But he also called this “an excuse” which was "too easy." 

Then he promised to work on communicating better--so that it’s harder for me to cook up Trouble in the future.

Luke wrote: “A duet is more beautiful when each singer works to make the other sound more beautiful, instead of fighting to be heard above the other.”   I couldn’t agree more. And I’m grateful for the way he reached out to me, though I was equally guilty of wrong. It’s easy to harmonize with someone like that…

In conclusion, it takes two people to bake a Loaf of Trouble; thus, it only takes one to sabotage it, and make a sweeter variation instead.   

Thanks, honey, for being that person this time around!   

I Stink

It's official: I have a mild case of gift-envy.  To you natural encouragers...you friendly optimists...you tender compassion-feelers...  I wish it came easier to me.

A few days ago, I realized I'm fulfilling prophecy and obeying Christ when people insult me due to my faith. And, when my dad and husband both remarked that I'm a "gifted" communicator, using my "talents" to shine a little light on the world, I felt a surge of pride.  God says each of us was created with a purpose, so discovering part of mine is exciting.

Exciting, at least, until I think too much about other people's talents, and how theirs seem to come with "perks" mine do not. For example, everybody loves my husband, who is a God-equipped listener and gift-giver. He can take a thoughtful little trinket, and make even the most insecure person feel important. He enjoys treating people. He's good at responding to needs. And who wouldn't want to hang out with him as much as possible?

Then I think of a dear friend, who is a self-proclaimed "conflict-avoider." She just wants everybody to be happy, and she'll do anything to keep the boat from rocking. Like my husband, this girl is impossible to dislike--because she is always ready-to-agree. I'm convinced, the ease with which she "lives at peace with everyone" comes from God. 

[Enter pouty, devil-on-shoulder]  And how do many people respond to someone like me, who habitually speaks the Truth in an unapologetic fashion? Well, 2 Corinthians says prophets "smell like life" to somebody who is saved--but I "smell like death" to somebody who is perishing.

If my gift is pointing out where the lost (or backsliding Christians) have missed the mark, that means I STINK!

The stuff I talk about incessantly gets fairly gritty and personal. I imagine most people can only handle me in small doses--and that's difficult to accept without envying the friendliness and compassion that comes naturally to others.  I don't have a knack for making people feel warm and fuzzy.  I'm driven to hammer on about responsibility, consequences, obedience, etc. etc.  

I mean, it's fulfilling work on one level, because I've been called to do it. I'm equally unhappy when I'm NOT writing about selfishness and service as when I realize it may leave me pretty unpopular. Conviction flows from me as easily as sweetness radiates from my husband.

But, sometimes challenging others with a well-turned phrase really stinks...

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Addendum: I'd hate to ruin a perfectly good rant, but I feel I need a disclaimer to explain that this is just a rant. I'm absolutely whining and questioning things over which I have no control, just because I'm in a feel-sorry-for-myself kind of mood.   Please don't be offended by it because--unlike in other posts--I'm not trying to make anyone change behaviors and feel conviction about some deep spiritual truth. I'm just jealous, and I'll get over it.  :)

Addendum #2:  I explained my theory about how "I stink" to Luke, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm proud of you, and you're doing a good job, and you're the queen of the world."  Okay, that's not a direct quote, but my point is, who doesn't want to hang out with this guy?! HE SMELLS GREAT!

What Does That Have to Do With Love?

A commenter recommended this article to me: I'm Christian Unless You're Gay.

It is written by a blogger named Dan, begging people of all beliefs to love one another unconditionally. Read it, and tell me what you think.

Then, you can read below to hear my thoughts.
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In general, I think this guy is totally right. He wants people to be kind, respectful, and loving, regardless of the differences which separate them, and he reminds readers this same principle is found in all the most dominant religions. He's right!

If I had to label his thesis statement, I think it's this one:

“I know there are many here who believe that living a homosexual life is a sin. Okay. But, what does that have to do with love?...What does that have to do with love? Come on. Don’t we understand? Don’t we get it? To put our arm around someone who is gay, someone who has an addiction, somebody who lives a different lifestyle, someone who is not what we think they should be… doing that has nothing to do with enabling them or accepting what they do as okay by us. It has nothing to do with encouraging them in their practice of what you or I might feel or believe is wrong vs. right. It has everything to do with being a good human being.” 

Those actions: putting your arm around someone…walking through life with them…treating them with dignity even though they are different--that is the very definition of love. 

Jesus said it’s too easy to “love” someone who agrees with you. Even evil people love their friends and family. But you don't really understand the term until you've learned to "love your enemy." Jesus was hated both by critics in his day and many since then, but he died for all of us anyway. That’s real love. He was spit on by the guards nailing Him to the cross, but He said, “Father, forgive them.” 

That is real love.

Dan was sooooo very right with the above paragraph, that I was a little concerned when he said, "[loving people are] able to look at [others] and only see strength. Beauty. Potential. Hope… Isn’t that what love actually is?"   (emphasis mine)

Part of love is recognizing beauty and potential. And, like Dan, the Bible associates love with the word "hope."  (Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.)

But this last part about "persevering" makes me believe there is more to the story. What are we supposed to persevere through? That seems to indicate a change is coming, doesn't it? What did Dan mean when he said loves sees potential and "hope?" I think it suggests we are optimistic regarding the future of the person you love? If you really see potential in a man or woman, wouldn't you hope he or she reaches it? I don't think that "love" would leave people in a bad place, if there are things they can do to be better. Consider the alcoholic, or similarly self-destructive person. Their loved ones are the people who MOST want to see them change--not because they hate who they are, but precisely the opposite. 

I realize this is a delicate balance. Too many “religious people” think they can save strangers from their sin if they preach long enough, and it ends badly--even though taking biblical advice ultimately would help the sufferer. The fact remains, we must prove our love for others before we earn the right to speak about delicate issues. Without love, pointing out a person's flaws only hurts feelings and starts wars. 

For the most part, I think Dan would agree with me on all of the above. There was just one thing he said, which I'd like to question:

"[all religions teach] love for others as the basis for all happiness, and never did they accompany such mandates with a list of unlovable actions or deeds."     (emphasis mine) 

I believe this is the only sentence in the whole post with which I flatly disagree. Maybe he just worded it carelessly and actually believes differently than the quote sounds. But it seems to me that every, single religion (and every non-religious individual) DOES keep a list of unlovable actions. We each have a moral code--a sense of right and wrong--which is not a bad thing.  

 Our lists of unlovable actions often include: murder, greed, dishonesty, and selfishness, which we have good reason not to love.  Dan himself writes this entire post about something on his unlovable list: the act of being unloving.

He meant to say, I believe, that none of the religions have a list of deeds or actions which make a person unlovable, though the actions themselves are despicable.

I wouldn't call his actions "unloving," even though he speaks pretty harshly about the human condition because his "beef" is with behavior. He is allowed to write about how awful we treat each other and how we need to show love without being contradictory because “love” doesn’t mean “celebrating everything everybody does all the time.” Love is treating somebody with the same esteem and kindness you would IF YOU DID agree with everything they did. It is acknowledging a person's worth and making everything you say to them--whether praise or reprimand--retains their dignity.

When you truly love someone, you will have their best interests at heart, at all times. And that is why I returned to agreement with Dan when he wrote:

“I wish with everything inside of me that [my friend’s homosexuality] didn’t make any difference to others. I wish we didn’t all have to find ways that we’re better than others or more holy and saintly than others in order to feel better about our own messy selves. I wish people wouldn’t cluster entire groups of people together and declare the whole lot unworthy of any love and respect.” 

 

Part of me wants to get defensive along the lines of:

"Just who are these people 'declare whole groups of people unworthy of any love and respect?' Dan already mentioned the Westboro Baptist Church is hated by almost everybody else in the country precisely because the mainstream belief is they are WRONG. I can say with certainty that every, single church I’ve ever attended teaches that we all sin, and we should love our neighbor regardless of how his sin looks. Everybody I know agrees that telling "fags" that they will "burn in Hell" is NOT love, so just who is Dan talking about?"

But, I can't be too defensive because I realize the fact that churches preach unconditional love doesn’t mean their members practice it 100% of the time. And--just because we aren't radical, sign-carrying, name-calling bigots doesn't mean we always have a pure, graceful, loving attitudes.  Yes, I worry that telling Christians "not to judge" causes the pendulum to swing the other way--to a point where we aren't willing to confront anybody about things God clearly commands against, even when they are leaders in our own buildings! But, Dan wasn't talking about a Christian who gets away with sin because other Christians are too spineless to correct it. He was talking about communicating with love--with the believer AND the nonbeliever, whether in agreement or disagreement. Never, ever, ever forget love.  And, with that I will repeat, I completely agree.

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To Sarah, the commenter who brought Dan's post to my attention, I want to repeat my apology.

The last time we spoke (under my post “If You Don’t Like MyTeaching…”) you told me you understood getting carried away with beliefs and struggling with words. You said, “I think it is a common issue for people with passion...” and I agree completely. There have been times my loving intentions have gotten lost behind the WAY I’ve delivered the message.  And, since love is an action, the delivery is important. If I didn’t deliver the message with love, then I wasn’t loving at all. There have been times I handled critics with respect (for instance, the comments section of Teaching Little Apes.) But, recently, I got off track.

You also said, “To be honest, I would rather be passionate and struggle with how to express it than lack passion.”   And I agree with this, too. Intense passion is bound to ruffle feathers, but it sure beats apathy. And, depending on the importance of the topic, sometimes we SHOULD be extremely passionate--and loud, in-your-face, and urgent.  

The reason I am passionate about some of the topics on this blog, is I believe it's more than opinion. This is about ultimate truth and whether my actions and your actions please the Creator. All of us must be here on earth for a reason, and it turns out we face a life or death issue: SIN. We deserve Hell, but the Son of God came and died on a cross so that our sin doesn’t have to separate us from Him.  We can be forgiven and spend eternity in Heaven, but we must actively accept Jesus’ offer. Those who get to know him personally will be saved.  When God asks me to account for all the things I’ve done wrong, Jesus will say, “She is with me. I paid for her ticket.”  But those who do not know Him personally will be sent to the pit of fire.  

So though I agree with Dan that our beliefs should not affect how we love, I do not believe that love ignores sin.  This would mean letting a loved one go to Hell. I will continue writing about selfishness, and how we can allow God to erase it a little at a time, because it is important. And I also write so that fellow believers can know they aren’t the only ones struggling to be good. (Some former posts about my struggles can be found in the “confessions” tab.)

 

But, in the meantime, my passionate hatred for unholiness probably will continue to flare, and some of my posts will come across as hatred for the people who DO unholy things, even though that isn't my intent. (As I explained, I'm a person who does unholy things myself sometimes.) I also recognize that some of the Bible’s messages leave people feeling uncomfortable no matter how loving we are. None of us LIKES the guilt and sorrow we experience when we realize we’ve messed up in God's eyes. But I will continue praying God makes me more like Jesus so that I can share even those hard-to-hear truths with love.

Jesus took the message, “You’re going to Hell without me” and made it sweet by doing what Dan recommended…putting his arm around sinners and giving them hope.

I Don't Understand How Someone Could...

All of us get worked up from time to time, and the temptation to rant about it can be irresistible. (Believe me, I know.) But, when we lash out, unrestrained, at any person, organization, or practice--as if any other view were completely crazy--we often just appear ignorant.

Consider: the commenter, Alison Cummins, at the bottom of this article, whose pseudo-question "What's Bible-Based Business Education?" was just a way to introduce her verbal tirade about why we should avoid anything faith-based. Or, to criticize the other side equally, consider the (many) Christians who call post-abortive women "evil and unforgivable," or who find nothing in common with "monsters" locked in prisons...  

I believe, if we can't find at least one positive thing to say about the person/thing upsetting us, then we probably don't know enough.

That's not to say you have to change your opinion to be credible. (The male commenter on the above article calls himself an atheist and still allows that not ALL religious organizations are scams.) But, when we find ourselves saying, "I just don't understand how someone could _____," then maybe we need to find out. (And I mean actually find out. Not ask questions we don't want answered because we already "know" Bible-based business training must be as bad as we "know" christian marriage counseling is.)

If you really don't understand how/why someone could abort their child, then do some research! I just can't believe that all who've made the decision are simply out-of-their-minds, so why not find out what they were thinking? Maybe you'll still conclude abortion is murder. But a little empathy never hurt. If you can't imagine why a woman would allow her husband control over her, then ask about the "submission" principle. Maybe, at the end of the day, you'll discover you have the facts wrong. And maybe your understanding of Bible-based business instruction is equally confused.

I'm writing this for myself as much as for anyone. I once told my dad I "just don't understand" how anyone could vote Obama in for a second term. He replied: "I can...They honestly think he's doing a good job."  Now, both of us happen to disagree--but it's important to understand where others are coming from. We do this by assuming they aren't completely insane and they DO have their reasons.

When we find ourselves filled with rage over a situation, and we believe we'll never understand it, that's when we must stop spouting off long enough to find some common ground.

It Could Be Better Spent

I'm a little frustrated with the criticism I've heard on the lavishness of the Royal Wedding, coming from people who argue the money "could  have been spent better."  I recognize literally hundreds of thousands of dollars went toward Kate and William's ceremony, but who are we to decide whether it was "too much" of their money? The Middleton's and the royal family paid for the entire thing, except the English-taxpayer-funded security, and whether or not the cost was "worth it" is relative to the means of those families.

So, why are we tempted to look at the choices of others, cluck our tongues, and decide their luxuries are excessive? We, who don't have as much, label their ceremonies "too expensive." But those with less than us could judge us the same way.

I referenced Lisa Samson in a post a few days ago, with her quote, "Just because I write words that bring people closer to God doesn't mean I don't have to lift my finger to help those who are in need."  During that same interview, she talked about her tendency to "judge people with granite countertops."  She told me granite represents excess to her--for whatever reason. It's the status symbol which seems inappropriate to her. How people can justify paying extra for them when the money could be better spent? 

BUT, she recognized not everyone is convicted about granite countertops...and, more importantly, there always will be something we do which another person considers "excessive."

You who think the royal wedding was "too much:" did you elope in a courthouse? Or did you invite guests, buy a few flowers, eat cake, and even go on a honeymoon?  Was even THAT necessary? Do you have more than one car? More than one outfit? More than one pair of shoes? How do you justify those things when there are people who have none?

I agree, resources are wasted daily across the globe. And ALL of us can do much, much, much more sacrificing than we do, for the benefit of the truly needy.

But here's a crazy thought:  instead of obsessing over our neighbors across the pond, and how they spend their money, why don't we start with our own excesses?

It's All About the F-Word

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had so hoped to be in the hospital meeting the McBaby over the weekend, but if I had, I would have missed a pretty terrific sermon.  Originally, our pastor wanted to title it "The Real F-Bomb," but one of the elders (a rather elderly one) was concerned that "someone might think you mean something else!"  Hehe. 

(As a side note, there is another elderly man in our church who I took for being the same sweet, easily-scandalized type, until he whispered to Luke yesterday, "That baby felt a whole lot better going in then it will coming out!"   I laughed! Part of me can't wait until Luke is an old man telling slightly sketchy jokes in church...)

Anyway, the baby was wiggling and distracting me a bit, but I'm glad I caught the "bottom line," when Dr. Max said, "I'm not different from the world because I'm perfect now. I'm different because I'm forgiven."

Pause for sink-in effect.

It's a simple truth all young Christians are taught in Sunday school--and most non-Christians are familiar with it (they just don't believe it). We ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We are not fit for the Kingdom of God. The holiness of God demands perfection, and no human is perfect. So, what are we to do about it?

Cling to Jesus. THAT'S what makes me a Christian.

Now, Paul warns that we should question our faith if we don't look and act differently than the world. Jesus changes hearts from the inside--so, if we never spend any time in prayer, never make an effort to serve, and generally look and act like an unbeliever...  Well, you've heard the expression "If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck."  The reverse is true, too. It it doesn't look like a duck or act like a duck or sound like a duck, why would you call it a duck?

But, ultimately, what seperates us from the world is not our super-actions here on earth. It's a priveledge--a right--to which we have laid claim and will pull from our back pockets on Judgement Day.

When God says to me, "Amanda, you lived a self-absorbed life."  I will say, "Yes, Lord. I know I've struggled to put others ahead of myself."  But that won't be enough.

He'll say, "You were full of pride, and you let your emotions run away with you countless times...I can list them for you."

And I'll beg, "Please don't, Lord! I admit, I haven't practiced what I preach--not all the time!"  But, admitting I'm wrong isn't enough.

God will say, "You claimed to love the truth, but you told several lies in your lifetime. That violates my law. You may not have robbed banks, but you have stollen attention and taken self-esteem from others. And, though you never carved a physical image of some false god, you constantly worshiped your children, your money, and your own preferences in my place.  YOU ARE GUILTY." 

I may cry, "Jehovah, I tried to be a good person!"  But, He will reply, "I told you in my Word: even one infraction of the law is punishable by death. Look at your list of offenses! What do you have to say for yourself?" ...and, trembling, I'll think back to my life on earth for some excuse to offer.

This is the point that seperates the Christians from the rest. This is where I will point to Jesus, sitting next to His Father and declare, "I'm with Him!" 

I imagine He'll look at me, smile, and say, "Hi, Peaches! I've been waiting for you!"  And the look of disgust on the Judge's face will change to beautiful acceptance.

"Well done, good and faithful servant. Your sins have been forgiven. Now come spend eternity with Me."

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Becoming a Christian doesn't MAKE somebody a better person. In fact, those who declare, "This is what I believe!" actually make things harder on themselves, because they open themselves to scrutiny and judgement. Anybody who reads our standard for living can see precisely where I fall short. Anybody who picks up a Bible can say, "Hey! You don't look exactly like Jesus!"

And they are right.

I've spent a good amount of time on this blog talking about what's wrong with the world and what people--including myself--"ought" to do. But, I write predominantly for those who already have taken care of the "bottom line." I write for those prepared for the Judgement, but who want to produce fruit and make their heart changes apparent here on earth. I'm interested in politics, education, family dynamics, and a whole host of other categories, for which the Bible offers guiding principles to Christians. But these discussions must take place after the Big Picture has been resolved--after salvation has been secured.

I'm concerned about selflessnes and service because I've already been forgiven. It's all about forgiveness first.

This Post is NOT About the Baby

I'm struggling here, guys.

I'd love to tell you funny or inspiring stories about my adventures in selflessness, but I have been THE MOST SELFISH PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE the last few weeks... I get up, go to work and put some kids on the bus, come back home, sleep, go back to work in time to put my students to sleep, then I think about how hungry I am or how soon I will be able to sleep again. (Please Note: I did not mention the reason I'm feeling hungry and tired all the time.)

Seriously, my productivity is hovering around zero, and--though I'm still on target to finish reading the Bible in a year--I haven't allowed God much opportunity to speak. Then again, maybe He's trying to tell me something through my crazy-hormone dreams, in Old Testament style fasion. In that case, I need to find a modern Joseph to explain the meaning of a vision in which I climb the church tower and discover some electronic box, which immediately starts counting down from 30 seconds. When it reaches zero, the church bells start playing a loud, rock song, interrupting prayer, and further causing dead bodies to fall from the ceilings...

Anyway! My point is, I've been very busy being self-absorbed, (again, for an undisclosed reason), and have very little idea what to write about unless I give a shout-out to the member of my household who has taken over the quest to be servant-minded in my temporary absence: my husband.

Oh, also I need to mention that a friend of mine referred me to a website recently, which is run by a very funny 20-something girl--who uses the program "Paint" to illustrate her blog posts. I was told the only thing that could make my blog better was little pictures like this. Ordinarily, I have a strict rule against duplicating someone's good idea unless I can do it better, and I KNOW my artistic skills are not up to par. But, I aim to please. So, consider this an act of service to you personally, Beth. :) You are the only creature other than ME whom I have considered in ten days!

This is precisely what Luke has been going through, in picture form:

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So, no, this post ISN'T about the baby. It's about Luke, who has been so incredibly sweet I would pinch myself if it didn't require so much enery. He even texted me yesterday and said, "Thanks for being so encouraging." (I guess he appreciated the "you rock, Honey?")

Thanks to Beth for the idea for this post, and let this inspire the rest of you to let me know what would make the blog better. I promise it will be at least as pathetic as this attempt! And, before you try to encourage me with, "Yeah, but your depiction of the couch and TV were pretty good!" I must confess. I got tired and asked Luke to draw the last one.

I Just Can't Hide It...

Actually, I hope to "hide it" physically for several more months. But I can't hide the ridiculous grin on my face or the uncontrollable urge to sing and dance. I've long said I'm my own worse secret keeper, and that remains true.

I'm a few days late in posting because I couldn't type while clamping my hands over my mouth. All I wanted to do was tell the world that something else was late! But, I'm a firm believer Mom and Dad (rather "Grandma and Grandpa") need to know first. So I simply avoided my blog the whole weekend.

Luke knew I was no longer on the pill and that my monthly visitor was taking her sweet time. But, I started getting PMS-like cramps on Monday, and it only had been a couple weeks since we stopped preventing. Surely that's not enough time... Just to be sure, I took one of the two tests I brought, and it was negative. So, that settled it.

But, on Saturday morning, when Aunt Flo still hadn't made an appearance, I couldn't resist taking the other test. Negative... with maybe a hint of a verticle line. No, I was imagining things.
I was so irritated by my own delusions, I almost threw the test away. Really. But, every second made that little blue screen look more like a plus sign. And my first thought was: "I need more tests."

Too bad it was 7:oo in the morning and I wasn't dressed, showered, or finished with my grocery list. (As excited as I was, I'm still too practical to leave the house without buying everything I need in one trip.) Then, all those things took twice as long to accomplish, since I had to walk back to the counter every 2 minutes to make sure the plus sign stayed put.

Finally I made it to Aldi, then Walmart, where I picked up my groceries for the week, three more tests, and a couple yellow burp clothes. I knew I couldn't wait for Luke to get home that night before telling him, so I made plans to meet him at work on his break. Then I went home to take two more tests. Since I still was pregnant, I wrapped all three positive tests in the new burp clothes and put them in a gift bag for the Daddy-to-Be.

This is where I had two hours of alone time--just me and God, enjoying the secret. And I haven't experienced that kind of intimacy with my Father in a long while. I couldn't stop smiling. There was no stopping the praises. God managed to shock me, comfort me, scare me, and bless me, all at the same time, and I've never been more full of praise. (Maybe that speaks to the bad job I've done of praising in the past, but it just was so easy and natural in those few hours...)

I was thrilled with Luke's response when I saw him later. He showed disbelief on his face for about three seconds, and then we laughed and laughed and laughed. I honestly didn't expect to feel this euphoric--it's not like we had been trying to conceive for years. But we were so overjoyed that Luke accused me of torture because he had to finish the work day without telling anyone. Right before I left, he said, "We HAVE to visit our parents and tell them THIS WEEKEND, or I will explode."

So, we did.

This is going to be the first grandbaby on both sides--thus, the first time our grandparents are great-grandparents...the first time our cousins are second cousins, etc. Everybody gets a title change, and everybody was bound to be excited no matter how we told them. But we couldn't just make phone calls.

We bought "I love Grandma" bibs for both of our mothers. And I wrote letters to Luke's and my siblings, from the baby. (For instance, one of them said, "Dear Mommy's Brother, I'm writing to ask what I should call you... Uncle Andrew? Uncle Drew? Uncle AJ? I'm just so confused! Let me know soon because I'll be there in May. Love, Baby McKinney")

But, Luke came up with the best idea for surprising my dad, who is a stand-up comedian. Luke sometimes takes jokes or premises to my parents house to bounce them off "the professional." So, he asked Dad to take a look at some of his new material, which Luke labeled with "setup" and "punchline" marks, the way Dad had taught him. But, this time, it read like this:

S: Grandparents Day is Sept. 12th
S: This has always confused me.
S: Wouldn't you want to celebrate it on the day you found out you would be a grandparent?
P: Like, TODAY?
P: Happy Grandparents' Day, Grandpa John.

Unfortunately, I think Dad was a little slow in comprehending. And Mom already was waving around her bib frantically yelling, "Look, John! Look, John!" Pandemonium ensued. My sister accused me of lying. And I enjoyed the experience immensely, whether Luke's "joke" was understood or not.

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Okay, now that I've relayed the majority of the story, I know what you're thinking. Or, I know what I would be thinking if I were you. "For the love of humanity, Amanda, the last thing the internet needs is another blog kept by a proud, baby-obsessed mother with no aim other than to brag on her kids!"

This is true. And I promised my Facebook friends I would not allow the blog to become over-run by baby. (The majority of pictures and shameless bragging will be done on Facebook...no qualms.) But, this pregnancy is a huge milestone in my journey toward selflessness, and already, it is shaking my foundations a little.

For instance, about a week and a half ago, I was the picture of confidence about my future motherhood. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and that I would make mistakes. I knew pregnancy itself would get uncomfortable and that I would have to make sacrifices in my diet and activities. And I knew my relationship with Luke would be changed forever.

But, I did NOT expect to fall into worry mode within hours of the test results. What have I eaten the last few days?! Is the drywall dust in the living room poisoning the little one? What about the cleaners I've been using? WHAT IF I TELL EVERYBODY I'M PREGNANT AND I LOSE THIS BABY?

I know lots of people who discover a pregnancy early, celebrate with friends and family, and then suffer terrible loss a few weeks later. The doctor doesn't even want to see me until the end of next month, and I know it's because this method "weeds out" the women who will miscarry before their first appointment. My mom, grandmothers, and aunts all have experienced strong, healthy pregnancies--as far as we know--but I have been plagued by doubts and fears every time I stop celebrating for more than a minute. And this is not godly.

This is a weakness of which I am trusting God to purge me.

In my study of trials, pain, and the way God uses them to teach us lessons, I sometimes go too far in allowing myself to suffer. And, in many cases, I readily hand my happiest moments over to Satan, rather than appear emotionally unstable--too euphoric.

Luke and I started dating at 16, and rather than indulge completely in puppy love, I worried what friends and acquaintances would think about such a young couple. When we married at 20, I was afraid to let myself enjoy the moment, because I felt the world was waiting for us to fail. Statistics are stacked against us.

And we're still very young! Luke hasn't quite finished school, and our home isn't close to being ready. Do people say "congratulations" one minute, and "it's too soon to celebrate" the next? Worse: since I'm only 4-5 weeks along, could they be right?

Friends, please pray for me. I have a way of struggling with big transitions, as I try to find a sturdy perspective. And, unlike my marriage--in which I can choose to prove the statistics wrong through hard work and committment--I'm forced to leave the health of this baby largely in God's hands. And, the truth is, I'm nervous.

As unexpectedly excited as I am, I'm equally and unexpectedly nervous. And I just can't hide it...
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Okay, and the mood is back up again! I just spent too long confessing the negatives and I want to return to the party in my heart.

I just got an email from my brother, who is serving in Iraq, and he said, "Eat like a sumo wrestler and produce a kid worthy of first place at the State Fair." And Dad told all his friends he isn't allowed to "walk" anymore. (He's supposed to "putter.")
How can I worry when I'm sitting in God's hands and laughing with my loved ones every few minutes?