Debate, 2212

Spin: Welcome to the Presidential Debate Coverage of 2212. I'm Spin Boughton, and this is my co-host...whom we all know as, "The Uterus."

Uterus: (*winning smile*) It's a compliment, Spin. My uterus is the only thing that matters about me. And whichever candidate references it the most will get my vote. Bonus points if he says "vagina."

Spin:  Well, I definitely support a woman's right to choose... Anyway, as the viewers at home can see, the President and his Challenger are entering the auditorium at this moment. Let's quickly meet our Moderator for the evening. She is not only the Vice President of the National Association for the Preferential Treatment of Women (NAPTOW), but also--of course--the Mother of our President, Miss Moderator.

(Cut to auditorium)

Moderator: Hi, Sweetie!

President: That's 'Mr President' today, Mom.

(Cut to newsroom)

Uterus: We're honored to have such an accomplished lady among us today, especially one who has done so much for women. Or, as the Federal Committee of Nice Words prefers, "People without Y-Chromosomes."

Spin: Gotta be careful not to objectify people with generic descriptors, Uterus!

Uterus: Let's go to the floor.

(Cut to auditorium)

Moderator: Thank you for being here today, Swee--uh--Mr. President and Mr. Challenger. Let's begin with a question from college student Brian Wash, regarding education. You will respond first, Mr. President.

Brian: I want to know which of you plans to give me a degree for free?

Mr. President:  I will, Brian. I know it's important that every young person have the opportunity to learn about Greek letters and how to use any group of statistics as proof of racism. So, luckily for you, I plan to spend trillions of dollars to make sure you are rewarded with a diploma, regardless of your effort and character. Also, I believe that teachers play an indispensable role in making sure my party gets votes from the next generation, so I will throw a couple billion or trillion at them as well. The way I see it, you can never funnel too much money into the system. Remember: if your Federal Government does its job right, it can make up for the fact that your kids live in broken homes and spend an average of six hours a day on their iPhone107.     ...In short, Brian, don't worry. I gotchu.

Moderator: Okay, Mr. Challenger, it's your chance to attempt a better answer.

Challenger: Well, first of all, everything the President said is a lie. And second, my plan is waaaaaay better. I've arranged for the American people to get all the same goodies promised by the President--but we won't have to spend any money for it. Many people believe part of the value of higher education is figuring out a way to earn it for oneself. They will be happy to know I'm not giving degrees away for free. But people like Brian, who want free stuff, should note that I'll be giving away degrees for free. There has been some rumor that I'm interested in cutting funds to various programs which are important to the middle class, but this is just a bunch of stuff. The child-tax credit, free pizza on Sundays, and subsidies to have dead pets cloned will not be changing--except to be strengthened. But don't worry, Conservatives. I'm going to cut needless programs and not spend a dime.

Moderator: Back to you, Sweetie. You were saying something about progress and change, right?

Mr. President:  Progress. Change. Fairness....and Uteruses.  Vote for me.

Moderator: Let's move on to a question from Mrs. Bertha Clark in the front row, an undecided Domestic Engineer.

Bertha: Mr. President and Mr. Challenger, as the CEO of my house, I know how important it is to operate with a balanced budget. Our country, like any household, cannot continue to live beyond its means indefinitely.  Since the national debt has now reached 700 Trillion, what will you do to bring it down to zero?

Challenger: I'm glad you asked that, Bertha. I'm very excited about my plan for getting America's finances under control because I have succeeded in balancing budgets many times. However, if I get too specific, people will realize "teamwork" and "sacrifice" might demand something of them personally. And then they might pout, which totally puts a damper on a good campaign. So, I think it's best if I just talk vaguely about overcoming obstacles with my last few seconds. (*winning smile*) Believe me: through a team effort, we can get America back in the black.

Moderator: Please respond, Mr. President.

Mr. President:  Is he allowed to say black on the air?...
Look, everybody knows you can't balance a budget unless you either raise taxes or make extensive cuts. But my opponent refuses to tell you which he plans. This secrecy ought to concern you. On the other hand, just consider what he DOES admit--tackling the debt problem takes sacrifice.  That came from his very mouth! Thus, I promise I won't even TRY to balance the budget....

Challenger: Okay, let me give you a few specifics, then. My manager is going to have a cow, but let's be real...  I'm just not sure it's the federal government's job to fund Big Bird. Also, there is still a percentage of the population that believes the government shouldn't pay to help People without Y-Chromosomes abort their toddlers. And yes, I'm a radical. I believe a toddler has the right to live EVEN if the mother feels she is unable to care for it. Let's see....  Oh, and is it really necessary to deliver free groceries directly to the homes of every citizen?

Mr. President: --My opponent is out-of-touch--

Challenger: --Please don't interrupt me, Mr. Pres--

Mr. President: --He's out of touch with--

Challenger: --I wasn't through speak--

Mr. President: --He's a millionaire who obviously can't relate with the majority of society.

Challenger: Don't you make 7 figures too, Jack?

Moderator: Now, boys, play nice...

Challenger: Indeed, I apologize. Now, as I was saying--

Moderator: Wait, Mr. Challenger. It's the President's turn.

Challenger: I believe he interrupted me in the middle of my rebuttal.

Moderator: Even if it seems unfair, you have to trust me. Our time keepers are doing their job, and it's my baby's turn.

Mr. President: Thanks, Mom. Friends, you've heard my opponent say his plan includes a decision to STOP FEEDING YOU. He has displayed over and over that he doesn't get what matters to the poor and middle class. Look, I spoke with a single mom in Connecticut the other day, and she told me, "Mr. President, I depend upon the Groceries on Your Doorstep service. As a struggling mom of two, I don't have time to go to the store; I don't even know how to get there!"

Challenger: Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm not talking about starving single mothers and their kids. I'm just asking whether we need to grow, package, and deliver food to the doorstep of more than half our citizens. People used to shop for themselves with little trouble.

Mr. President: (sigh) You're always trying to bring back the policies of another era...

Moderator: That makes a nice segue to our final questioner, Daniel Miller, with some concerns about the future.

Daniel: Gentlemen, it is an exciting time to be alive. In just a couple months, it will be 2313, and it promises to be full of never-before-seen issues. With all that's *different* in our modern world, we need inventive policies to guide us. How will you prepare America for advancement?

Mr. President: Folks, history almost never repeats itself. Our best bet is to shoot in the dark toward a target I call "progress." Even if we miss and send the country into economic turmoil, at least we were thinking out of the box. Not only does my opponent hold the outdated notion that people "should" provide for themselves, but he thinks they actually can! But, after hearing personal testimonies coast to coast, I know better. And--rather than taking away programs that make life a little easier for strategic members of my voting block--I plan to expand programs like Groceries on Your Doorstep. America's working people have enough to battle without dealing with spoons that make their wrists ache. Thus I plan to launch the Groceries In Your Mouth plan.

Moderator: I'm afraid we're just about out of time. Closing arguments, please!

Challenger: Right, um... Well, since I won't get the last word, I think it's important to reiterate that everything the President says is untrue.  But I also want to stress that anything you like about his economic plan will be included in mine, too. ...only, if you heard something that sounded fishy, that won't be included. Uh... I agree, we need to do more for those struggling in this country. Ease burdens. Agreed. Agreed. Move forward, etc.  And, of course, I have to mention Teamwork and Sacrifice one more time...unless those words make you uncomfortable. In which case, just remember my plan won't cost you anything.

Moderator:  Mr. President?

Mr. President:  Uterus.

(Cut to newsroom)

Spin: Well, that was certainly a lively exchange. My co-host and I will spend the next 3 hours analyzing the footage in a reasonable and unbiased fashion. But, I think it's pretty obvious who won.