Come As You Are

Each week, I have the privileged of meeting with three or four young women individually, to discuss their relationships, spiritual lives, and future goals.   Unfortunately, after several months of these one-on-one interviews, I've noticed a discouraging pattern...

Probably 9 out of 10 will tell me they "believe in God and believe the Bible is true," and there's "nothing" they'd really like to change about their relationship with the Creator.  But, when I ask whether their premarital sex affects this faith, they make a speech like this:

"Oh, I've heard it's a sin. But nobody is perfect; I always ask God to forgive me afterward." 

I'll remind them: "When I asked if there's anything you'd like to change, you said 'no.'"

"I wasn't thinking about that," they'll say. "...The important thing is God loves me the way I am."

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It upsets me just a little more every time I have this conversation, but I don't blame the girls solely.

Yes, they are using grace as a License to Sin, which Paul warned against (Romans 6:1,2) But I think the Church is responsible for the lax attitude toward breaking the Law. For years, we have over-emphasized "acceptance" and downplayed the importance of being holy.

Hasn't everybody in America heard that God is quick to forgive and expresses infinite mercy? Can't almost all of us quote John 3:16; God loved the world so much that whoever believes has permission to do whatever they want?   (Or something like that?)   :)

Of course everyone knows God likes and dislikes certain things. But we'd rather focus on how nice He is when we mess up. We like sharing the good news, "come as you are," as if our streets are lined with shame-filled sinners who've never heard it and keep flogging their own backs in penitence.

I'd love to concentrate on the happy message:  "Hey, poor pitiful souls, stop beating yourself up! God loves you already!" It feels good to reassure someone they don't have to feel guilty anymore.

But I've met very few who feel guilty.

In fact, when asked directly, our first thought tends to be, "I have nothing to change."

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This week, I created a list of Scriptures which may ring less familiar than John 3:16.

For example, Revelation 3:16 says half-commitment to God makes Him want to vomit. He'd rather we disown him completely than use His name and keep living in sin.

Also, James 2:17 says, "Faith, when not accompanied by action, is dead." There must be fruit--some kind of evidence we've met Jesus...or our so-called faith is useless. And brace yourself for verse 19: "You believe there is one God? Good! Even the demons believe that!"

In the future, I'd like to share some of these truths with my Bible-believing clients because history shows they aren't hearing it elsewhere. For every spineless, rose-colored church organization that teaches nothing but "God loves you," there must be someone brave enough to share the other half of the truth: He loves you too much to let you wreck yourself with sin.

Yes, come as you are. But you cannot stay that way.

Or is it All About the "S"-Word?

Several months back, I wrote about the "F"-word, forgiveness, which I declared the most important aspect of a Christian's spirituality.  Forgiveness through Jesus is the difference between a lost soul and one bound for Heaven. So, in a nutshell, it's "All About the F-Word."

But, in my experience, non-Christians tend to be faaaaaaaar more interested in conversations about the "S"-word--known more commonly as "submission."

I believe few biblical commands are more misunderstood than submission--yet this doesn't stop folks from harboring strong negative opinions. The S-word should be a secondary discussion about family structure between people with a common faith and authority.

But, misinformation has created a confused, nation-wide debate about modern gender roles, featuring impassioned outsiders who, frankly, don't know what they're talking about.

Consider this post about the "Breakdown of the Evangelical Family," about self-professing Christians, Jon and Kate Gosselin, at the time they announced their divorce. Keep in mind, however, that the author draws a clear line between herself and "those church people."  Which is to say, she's NOT an Evangelical.

Here are some of my favorite parts:

"Kate...embodies many evangelical women who struggle between the role of homemaker that their churches assign them and of finding interesting and creative work in the world... Despite all her pretensions to tradition, [she] is actually a very contemporary woman with feminist inclinations–one who is figuring out that her theology is at odds with the way life works out."

"The Gosselin’s tensions demonstrate how unsuccessfully conservative religious groups have been dealing with gender–and how, when a woman like Kate Gosselin breaks with tradition in order to pursue what she loves...she gets both blamed and punished for problems in her relationships."

"But the conservative evangelical community shares some of that failure, too.  The religious world to which Jon and Kate belong never successfully navigated the gender changes of the last three decades, insisting that happiness can still be found in hierarchical roles of male superiority and female submission.  Having rejected feminist theology, evangelicals can’t really navigate contemporary marriage issues like those facing Jon and Kate."

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In a sense, it's good to know the Bible's teaching on "submission" presents such a hang-up for some people.  But, it's frustrating how badly it's misconstrued. Isn't it?

As a faithful reader, you already know how I feel about feminism.   Also, I've talked extensively about true love being sacrificial--instead of asking "what's in it for me?"  Yet, in the name of "progress", today's women are encouraged to avoid sacrificing for their kids and embrace a more "modern" idea of marriage.


So, rather than rehash the same points I've made before, I open the floor to you, dear reader. How would you respond to the above author, or others who believe as she does?

(Addendum:  A friend just sent me this applicable link, Ten Things Submission is NOT.)

That's Unfair!

Sometimes the way other parents discipline their child makes me very uncomfortable. 

How do they expect to teach self-control, "keep your hands to yourself," and fairness, when they inflict upon their kid a "punishment" they won't let him/her use?

Take, for example, "time-out."

It's disturbing how many (supposed) adults grab their small children by the wrists and stick them in a corner, to send the message a particular action is "wrong." Yet, they don't allow the child to put adults or other children in time-out!  

...It gets worse.

Some parents watch "grown-up" television shows and videos without their children; some stay up later than their kids--even when the child juts out that precious lip and sputters, "B-b-b-but, I want to stay up, too!" 

Inevitably, all children will ask at one time or another: "Whyyyyyyy can't I do __[blank]__ when you do it?"  And those bullying parents usually say: "I'm the adult; that's why."  How's that for being an example? Sounds like a power trip to me...

When you take a toy from your misbehaving child and put it on a high shelf, aren't you flaunting, "I'm bigger than you!" You imply Might Equals Right. And, you may ingrain a pattern of stealing into that impressionable child, since that's what you're modeling.

When you establish a child's bedtime, which you don't observe yourself, you're saying, "I know I'm telling you to go to bed--but I can stay up because I'm Mommy/Daddy. That rule only applies to you; not to me."

When you put Junior in a cage (the essence of time-out), just because you don't like his behavior, you're saying you only have respect for him when he follows your rules. And, gosh, that's so unfair!

What about the child's rights? How must the kids feel about receiving punishments? (I bet having toys stolen and freedom restricted makes them feel their parents have all the power...)  *shudder*

I say, "End inequality now!"--including the gap between parent and child. 

We wouldn't want a generation which believes different people receive different treatment...

Would we???

Listen to Your Heart

My sis-in-law brought this article to my attention today, specifically noting these words:

"Ask yourself, "Do I hate being with children?"
If the answer is yes, don't have one!

However, if the answer is, "Maybe [I do hate being with children], but I love the moral and social status associated with being a mom"—then have a kid or two, but make a lot of money first so you can hire a full-time, highly qualified concierge to keep you from spending too much time with them..."

I couldn't have written a crazier paragraph if I was being sarcastic. Yet, this author seems to be serious, stating it's important for moms to "avoid resentment" of daily tasks, at all costs.

She says: "...If you hate doing something, you absolutely must not do it."

And, apparently, using this "handy tool," a mom can justify almost anything--even giving birth for the "social status" and trying not to spend "too much time" with the kids. An outrageous conclusion like this one should be expected from a theory which elevates a woman's feelings to an unbiblical level.
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I really hate exercise.

Regardless of the activity, moving and sweating makes me uncomfortable. And, since I hate the sensation of hot lungs and sore limbs, I conclude exercise isn't my thing.

Oh sure, experts say the pain associated with exercise actually benefits my body. But following advice when I really, truly hate the activity only leads to resentment. If I don't feel like exercising, I'm absolutely not going to do it.
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The author wrote: "I wouldn't have discovered the danger of resentment until I took parenting advice that went against my nature—and lived to resent it. Strict religious practice and dietary restrictions sounded OK when I heard the justifications, but I wasn't listening to my heart."

Thus, she seems to say: when there's a conflict between a piece of advice and your nature, go with your nature. When the logic in your head argues with the feelings in your heart, go with your heart.

Feelings are king.

Unfortunately, the Bible says our natures are sinful and our hearts are "desperately wicked." My weak body crawls toward selfishness at every opportunity. Why would I keep asking for its opinion?!

Yes, the author is correct in saying mommies shouldn't feel obligated to follow certain programs, just to prove they're "Good Parents." Indeed, there are many ways to feed, dress, and comfort a child, and none is "better" than another.

But, if I plan to avoid the Mommy Competition by constantly asking "how does this make ME feel?" I'm still missing the mark. Whether I worry about impressing other parents or worry about myself, I put the focus on my feelings; and this never really satisfies the soul.

The only true solution (and ultimate purpose of life) is to discover: "How does GOD feel about this?"  And we must pursue His heart, even when it's a spiritual exercise we kind of hate...

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Personally, I don't think God cares whether we use formula or breastmilk. The Eleventh Commandment isn't, "Thou Shalt Daily Use Your Baby Bjorn."

But God DOES expect us to realize healthy things rarely feel good at the time. And He expects us to serve others with reckless abandon--knowing our souls were created to sacrifice the way our bodies were created to move.

This never leads to resentment, until I lapse back into Me-Mode and give my feelings a power they shouldn't hold.  I grow narcissistic, unhappy and, yes, resentful, when I listen to my wickedly deceitful heart.

Self-Limitation: Tale of a Not-So-Desperate Housewife

Last weekend, the McKinney's celebrated Cami-Jo's 1st birthday, along with a small group of cherished friends and family.  (Cami's birth story is here.)
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By now, we've basically settled back into our everyday routine (i.e.  Eat, clean the highchair. Repeat.)  But, for a couple weeks, I became consumed with party details--and I had a blast! Sending invites, buying decorations, scrap-booking, and hunting for the perfect outfit to make Baby Girl look like a cupcake...  

I enjoyed the break from the norm immensely. And I would declare the entire event a raging success, if only I could silence the annoying question popping into my mind: "Do I come across as a Desperate Housewife?"

Be honest. When you see a mom who dresses her baby in lace, head-to-toe; a mom who takes a gazillion pictures and brags about all the things her kid can say (or sign); a mom who writes thank you notes within three days of the party, all composed in the baby's "voice;" you've got to think, "that lady has waaaaay too much time on her hands."

Moms like me tend to relish in little details, and sometimes we criticize ourselves (and each other) for going "too far." We've all felt pressure to brag about milestones or work toward "perfection," so we can validate all the work we do.

In honor of women who become overzealous about breastfeeding, Tina Fey coined the term "Teat Nazis." She explains this phenomenon occurs "when highly ambitious women experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement," and direct their ambitions toward their children instead. This seems to imply that a lack of "real-world" stimulation causes some moms to pursue not-so-important things with embarrassing enthusiasm.

Thus, I feel a tad self-conscious. I want to argue that Desperate Housewives (and Teat Nazis) do not exist. Except, I do experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement, and sometimes it shows!


Probably most stay-at-home mothers understand what I mean. Do your daily tasks truly showcase your full range of abilities? At the end of the day, do you feel exceedingly smart, accomplished, and intellectually stimulated?

I, for one, am capable of greater things than a flawless diaper change or pitch-perfect "Twinkle, Twinkle." There was a time my husband asked about my day and I had news more interesting than: "the laundry basket contained an even number of socks!"

This isn't bad. Except, when many of us feel that twinge of humiliation, when TV shows and former SNL cast members ridicule us for allowing our high-achievement personalities to cross paths with Mommyhood...

The world seems to say:
You're trying too hard! Well-dressed children and homemade meals are a sign of desperation! Deep down, you wish you could get away--hold down a real job. Wouldn't you be more satisfied outside the home--where accomplishments truly matter? You're selling yourself short, stifling yourself!

Due to this (real or imagined) message, there are times I won't update my Facebook status because I have nothing to say apart from Cami, and I don't want to sound pathetic. Isn't it sad when an educated woman thinks of nothing but her child all day? Doesn't the fact that she misses those "outside accomplishments" prove she's limiting herself?

Well, yes, in a way.

But remember this, fellow Domestic Engineers. Limiting oneself, for the sake of another, is the highest calling of all. Jesus said: "There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life..."  This doesn't just apply to literal, physical death. It's the essence of self-sacrifice in all forms.
 

I've already written about how Teri Hatcher doesn't understand sacrificial love. Perhaps Tina Fey doesn't, either. So, let me explain it again. I don't enjoy mopping, cooing, strolling, and Sesame-Streeting the same way I enjoyed going to school and working outside the home. But I've limited myself to these baby-things, for now, the way Christ limited Himself for me.

I laid down my former life, intentionally, as an act of love.

As a result, it's almost laughable that a major source of my excitement comes from a toddler's birthday. And, along with a few other "Desperate Housewives," I feel the urge to join clubs and bake cookies, and decorate my house...to spice things up when my job, inevitably, gets a tad boring.  Sometimes--while looking at pictures of bentos and squealing "I'd like to try that!"--it strikes me that I once aspired to more than playing with my kid's food...

But I don't want to spend another minute hiding that enthusiasm, out of fear of stereotypes or embarrassment...

Hollywood simply doesn't understand God's paradoxical system. Humility is exulted, sacrifice is rewarded, and self-limitation doesn't make me "desperate" at all...