Monday, February 28, 2011

Head Battles

I was a pretty timid kid. Cautious, careful, calculated. But, I never really subscribed to the same fears as "most" children.

There was a brief time I was afraid of That Something in the basement, which chased me up the stairs and disappeared when I turned around to look at it. But, when I had a heart-to-heart with myself, I knew there was no such thing as monsters. My rational mind would ask, "What are you afraid of?" and quickly provide the answer "nothing justifiable" before my imagination ran any. (By the way, I never bought the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy stories for the same reason. Some may note my practical, down-to-earth personality spared me childhood fears at the expense of the privilege to indulge in holiday fantasies.... and I won't turn down Christmas presents labeled "from Santa" to those who feel I've missed something.)

But, though I wasn't afraid of the monster under my bed, I was NOT fearless. When I wondered, "Why am I afraid to make a phone call?" or "What's so scary about meeting new people?" it occurred to me, "I don't want to mess up!" And is that so unreasonable?

To this day, my struggle is the same. I don't fear "normal" adult things, like where the money will come from or whether my family is safe. God promises to meet my needs, and He always has. I don't worry about what we'll eat or drink or wear, because my Bible AND my experiences have shown me it's not necessary. Likewise, I'm not afraid of dying, nor do I fear the death of a loved one. I don't WANT to confront death any time soon, but the fact that I know Jesus takes the scariness out.

No, my worries center on my own abilities. I worry I'LL mess something up.

I wonder whether I'm pulling my weight in this world or if I'm missing my purpose completely. The monsters of laziness, apathy, and anxiety keep me from acting on my beliefs with shameful frequency. This proves they are much more dangerous than the Googly-Eyed Goblin in the closet. And, when I neglect to do the things I know I should, it leads to depression and shame--two more creatures in my head which I find difficult to face.

And, thus, why selfishness is the root of all evil. My mind is capable of winning battles and leading me to great places. But, sometimes it rebels and constructs the most difficult battles of all.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Feminist for the Rest of Us

First of all, I'm wondering if anyone caught my attempt to parallel this post's title with a Seinfeld episode? (The one about the Fesitvus?....Anyone?...."Fesivus for the rest of us"???) Okay, maybe it was a stretch. But I tried.

Anyway, I wrote a post several weeks ago about a feminist organization's dissent toward the practice of promoting marriage. They believe the government should mandate pay increases for women, as well as subsidize childcare costs and housing costs, rather than encourage single moms to team up and work with a partner. (This is despite the fact that research shows married women are happier, children being raise by both parents are more stable, and people working together to take care of their own expenses used to be the whole point of living independently in a free society. Nope. We're supposed to shut up and pay up to help single women.)

Generally, every time I hear a female politician speak, she champions this belief that women need the government to rise to their potential. And it makes me want to scream. They march in the name of feminism, but they turn women into the most helpless creatures on the planet--incapable of moving up without taxpayer handouts. Meanwhile, women like me who have educated themselves, who will bargain with their bosses over compensation if we're unhappy with the payscale, and who choose a marriage partnership for better financial security (and to give our legitimate children a sound growing environment) are told we're uncaring for expecting others to do the same.

This is why I tend to hate feminism. It's not that I hate the original intent of the "movement"--but I loathe what it has become.

Then, I found this woman. Though she's female and talks politics routinely, I didn't want to scream at her. Technically, as someone concerned with women's issues in welfare, family dynamics, and abortion, she must be a "feminist." Yet I actually LIKE her! It's a strange adjustment.

This lady understands government programs first hand. She admits she once treated Uncle Sam like a husband, after being caught in the self-entitlement beliefs of the early 70's. ("I deserve it! I need it!") But eventually she became a Christian and realized she could do far better for herself than any politician could give her. She escaped the system and began a business of her own. (Also, she got married.) Now, her organization shows others how to break free of government dependence and discover that Uncle Sam is no replacement for a solid, self-supporting family.

Please follow the link and then listen to her interview. We need more strong women like THIS in the world.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Her House is on Fire...(nonfiction)

She doesn't just smell the smoke; under her closed bedroom door, she can see the flames throwing orange light on the wall. She can hear the crackling. And the 2-month-old infant sleeps in the cradle next to her.

First instinct tells her to crawl toward the window, even though she knows it sticks shut. She grabs a book and tries to smash the glass, but her lungs are burning. She can't find the strength, and the smoke clouds her mind as much as the room. Panic.

What do I do about my baby?

Frantically, she considers her options, though she knows only minutes remain--maybe only seconds. Both of them will die if she doesn't figure out something. The flames are consuming the door now; the paint on the wall peels. Even if firemen arrived, how could they save both mother and child at this point? And even if they did....

Everything has changed already! I don't have the money to put our life back together after this. What about our home? What if one or both of us is severely burned tonight? Can I care for a child with a disability? Who will care for me? I couldn't stand watching my child burn to death. But what kind of life would it be now? And what are my alternatives?

And, that's why she did it. She took its life. In the name of compassion, a frantic, desperate woman intentionally threw her baby into the flames.

She took its life before it could cause perceived damage to her own...

-----

I don't know if this precise story ever took place, but it's not a fictional tale.
This scenario parallels a popular excuse made by those who claim abortion is necessary for disadvantaged or abused women. "What if she's just a teenager?" they ask. "What if she was raped by her father?" They wipe a tear from their eye.

Sounds to me like her house is on fire.

"She can't afford a baby!" "Her life is in danger!" "Nobody WANTS an abortion. It's a traumatic decision, but it's a last resort!"

Unacceptable counterpoints include: Everything happens for a reason. There are other ways to handle the emergency. Even tragedy can produce beauty. And, most importantly, even in sad circumstances, taking an innocent life is murder.

No. Instead, when a woman asks "What do I do about my baby?" both the purely deranged and the simply misguided chant:

"Choose to kill it before it kills you."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Love Feels Like a Trick

Did I really do it again?

Did I perk up when somebody wrote they had "yet to hear a logical argument against gay marriage" and take that as a personal cue to jump in? Yes, yes. I did.
When a homosexual friend posted that the House voted in support of the gay marriage ban, he commented, "looks like I'm still a second-class citizen." And someone else agreed the whole thing is unfair (and he hasn't heard a good reason for the ban).

So, that's when I said: "I, too, have been the victim of discrimination. Just the other day, somebody told me I couldn't be Hispanic. I thought this was a free country? They said I can learn Spanish, paint my skin darker--I could live the life of a Hispanic. But, ultimately, the very definition of the word still requires me to have a Latino ancestor. That's excluding me from something because of my genes! Turns out I can't be a cat or get the Senior discount at McDonald's, either. There is no justice."

I have other thoughts on homosexuality. Many of them are described in this article. And this one. And this one. Aaaaaaaand this one.

But, I know full well the extent of emotion attached to this subject, so--despite the fact that no one has taken up the other side of the debate yet--I am left feeling defeated in advance. I fully anticipate the name-calling and accusations of "you're totally close-minded" when somebody argues the opposing view, but not the rational exchange of ideas I'm craving. And I can't help but think the person mentioned above probably HAS heard a logical argument before, but easily could have missed it... Like marriage, we are redifining the term based on emotions and whatever gets repeated the most.

My dad posted a quote to Facebook recently: "When you appeal to logic, you really only appeal to 4% of the population." This, too, makes me feel sad and defeated, because to what, then, do we appeal? I know there are ways to win arguments besides proving yourself right. But it feels wrong to use them.

I've read the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I've also read the Bible. Both books tell me that you can advance your cause by offering a listening ear, compassion, and generally making others feel good about themselves. Dale Carnegie says, basically, make the other person think he is the most important person in the room. The Bible says "love" people. Either way, it's a similar concept. People will flock to you if they like how you make them feel.

Yet, I struggle. Attempting to change minds and win souls with only love feels like a trick.

What makes me better than a propoganda-touting politician, who kisses butts--I mean, babies--and wins elections on charm alone? At what point does my love turn into a marketing ploy to sell Jesus? And won't a new Christian simply wither under pressure if their roots only dig as deep as my compliments have planted them--if they have no reason for agreeing with me except "she's a nice girl?"

No, there must remain SOME room for sound logic...right? I can't bare tossing reason aside in favor of emotional appeals. I hate when people bring up personal stories or reference death while trying to make a point. ("We must spend $4.6 billion a year because trees are DYING!!!!") Yet, must I resort to declaring, "Jesus died on the cross for you" without explaining why I believe the Bible to be trust-worthy in the first place?

I'm stuck. I don't want to manipulate people into agreement. There is no need to be crafty, since I'm searching for the truth and can offer reasons for my beliefs. But my reasons are useless if it's true that 96% of the world judges situations on feelings alone...

Oh, Lord, use me to change minds and win souls...even though the message of your unconditional love feels like a cheap trick on those too stubborn or lazy or corrupted to use their minds.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

So Frustrating It's Cute

Yesterday, I had the following conversation with a 3-year-old student at lunch time. This is proof you don't have to juggle ten kids with various disabilities to be driven crazy. One child is plenty.

(Note* We were eating chicken legs, and the 3-year-old boy was gnawing on a small bone fragment.)

Me: Please don't chew on that. It's a piece of bone, and it could poke your mouth.

Boy: This?

Me: Yes. That thing in your hand. It's not part of the chicken you can eat. It's a piece of bone.

Boy: This thing?

Me: Yes! Take it out of your mouth, please. It could make your tongue bleed. Or, if you swallowed it, you would choke...

Boy: This?

Me: YES! Take it out!

Boy: Can I have more potatoes, Miss Amanda?

Me: After you take the chicken bone out of your mouth, you can ask me for more potatoes.

(Long, thoughtful pause. Then, a big smile.)

Boy: You want me to lick it?

Me: NOOOOO!....

At this point, the conversation with the little boy ended, and I shifted my attention to yell at a coworker, who was laughing in the corner. Education will kill me yet... :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Selfless Activities in the McKinney House

Right now, I'm struggling to get off the couch.

Luke is struggling to get out of the easy chair.

Me: I really have a lot of cleaning to do today.

Luke: I'm already cleaning.

Me: You're cleaning? What are you cleaning?

Luke: The laundry.

Me: Ah, I see. Well, in that case, I'm growing a baby. So, what else are you doing?

Luke: (popping a piece of Trident in his mouth) Fighting cavities.

Me: Very nice. I'm holding my bladder. Can you beat that?

Luke: (rocking in his chair) I'm exercising.

Me: (holding an arm up) Me, too! Anything else?

Luke: Releasing gasses.

Me: And I'm loving you despite that.

----

Yep, we're really busy... I don't see how it's possible for me to clean right now. But, surely even a God who challenges us to serve and sacrifice wouldn't expect us to get off our rears while we're doing all that work...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Finishing Strong

Things have been hectic at the daycare.

A sudden influx of students causes an uproar anyway. But, weirdly, most of our new recruits are very, very young. Our "preferred" age-range is 3-6, but we recently began accepting kids as young as two. And parents are taking advantage of this early, early childhood care like crazy.

The only problem is, two-year-olds present a whole new set of complications in an already-diverse classroom. They're just learning to follow directions, potty training, and sometimes adjusting to being away from mom for the first time. Two-year-olds are babies in many ways...and what do babies do best?

They cry.

And cry.

Babies cry especially when they're really, really tired and fighting sleep. But, if one of them starts the fussing, it keeps the others awake. And this leads to a horrid cycle of call-and-response crying from overtired, overstimulated two-year olds.

This, naturally, keeps the older ones awake, too. But overtired 3-and-4-year-olds don't cry as much as they misbehave: jumping on their cots and yelling "no" when told to stop. Basically, the daycare lately has resembled what most people picture when I say I teach ten or so students in an inclusive, special education setting: that must be madness, they think.

I assure these individuals that, most of the time, routine and consistant expectations can keep even large groups of kids working well together. Big kids teach the little kids, everybody has a job to do, and teachers/parents who can manage this system are considered "miracle-workers," when it's not very complicated in practice. Large familes were the norm much longer than small familes have been, and that's how parents coped "back in the day."

However, I don't know too many parents who get "surprised" with a new two-year-old every other week and are expected to incorporate them into the family. I can testify, even with my incredible, miracle-working powers over children (har!), that our current situation DOES produce madness. And each of my shifts lately has tested my patience to the limit.

(I'd just like to reiterate how terribly awful some of these cry sounds are. Mommies know the difference between a sad, "I'm-hurt" cry, and a whiney "I'm slightly annoyed" cry. But, many of these kids whip out their ear-splitting "I'm angry!" cries, and it drills right through your head! Kind of stresses me out just thinking about it.)

Anyway, I'm mentioning this because I'm scheduled to begin my maternity leave next month. My permanent maternity leave, that is. Yet, more than once lately I've wondered, "Am I going to make it?"

It's VERY easy to wonder whether my services are making a difference in the classroom right now. In fact, I'm still struggling to figure out how, exactly, this form of selflessness is advancing the Kingdom. I mean, just about anybody can march into a room and listen to toddlers scream for a few hours. But can anybody carry a banner that reads "Break your Eardrums for Jesus"? Who is benefitting from this "ministry," which feels more like endurance than proactive service these days?...

I want to finish strong. But, part of me wonders if God isn't allowing the last few weeks of work to be rough just so I'll welcome the new phase of my life more gladly....I just wish He would give me a glimpse of the fruits of my labor before I move from this battlefield to another.

----
Anyway, I haven't been stressed enough not to catch a couple quotables from my older kids. For those who have missed those darn things they say, I'll share.

Me: Those water toys are dripping on the floor, and that's dangerous! What does dangerous mean?
4-year-old: It means somebody could fall!
Me: That's what it means this time. What can we do to fix the problem?
4-year-old: I'll need a towel! I can put it on the floor and drip the toys across this towel and then the water gets soaked on the towel.
Me: Good plan
4-year-old: Yep, then the floor doesn't get no danger.

4-year-old: I'm going to take the lima beans out of my vegetables, because I don't like them.
Me: That sounds logical...
4-year-old: Yes, it's logical.
Me: What does logical mean?
4-year-old: Uhh...I don't know.
Me: It means it makes sense.
4-year-old: Yes, makes sense.

-a few minutes later-
4-year-old: I'm going to leave my cup here and throw away my plate first, so I don't spill.
Me: Very logical....what does logical mean, again?
4-year-old: Um...I don't remember things good!

3-year-old: I dropped my spoon!
Me: Try asking for another one.
3-year-old: That's a good plan, Miss Amanda.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Trapped in Truthlessness

I can be wordy--superfluous with my speech.

Sometimes I repeat myself or reiterate what I'm trying to say, to make sure I've made the point and to ensure my point has been made.

:)

But the biography section of this blog, its mere 15-words, provides an unusually to-the-point description of "me." No extra thought or fluffy elaboration needed: "I'm opinionated...this is my attempt to weigh all of those opinions against the truth."

Truly, I love the truth.
----

I'm convinced, the scariest place in the world must be the mind of someone with no standard for truth. If someone believes everything is a grey area, then he or she cannot make a decision or talk specifically about anything. If a person will say whatever sounds right at the time--to make himself look good, to get out of mess, to justify a chosen action, whatever--that individual constantly risks contradicting himself. And, that's nerve-wracking! Expecially if you're someone who speaks in public regularly, where you're more likely to get caught by your moral inconsistencies...

Case in point, President Obama insisted during his 2008 campaign that he would not require individuals to buy health insurance if he became President. He gave great specific reasons for leaving that clause out of his bill. The problem is, this year, no fewer than 27 courts are challenging the constitutionality of Obamacare, due specifically to the fact that it requires Americans to buy healthcare. Either Obama wasn't telling the truth two years ago, or his version of truth has shifted.

Similarly, in the President's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast he says, "Our values must find expression not just in our families, in our places of work, and in our places of worship, but also in our government and in our politics." However, if you value the life of an unborn baby, the President will dismiss you with his belief that a woman has a right to kill her child. And, if you believe--as most of the country does--that private enterprise, competition, and self-governing all made America what she is today, he will assure you, "businesses, non-profits, and the private sector are not enough." (Also, if you mention his government is getting awfully large, and that you "value" a smaller one, he'll tell you to "pray for humility.")

Obviously, the problem with making statements about "our values" is we don't all value the same things. Obama recognizes this himself, in another speech:

"Whatever we once were, we’re no longer just a Christian nation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of non-believers. We should acknowledge this and realize that when we’re formulating policies from the state house to the Senate floor to the White House, we’ve got to work to translate our reasoning into values that are accessible to every one of our citizens, not just members of our own faith community."

The obvious question is, what do we do when "our" values differ? Obama's arrogant answer is, "let those in power decide what to do with your money and write their own values into law." As for his own method for deciding the "truth," he bases those on a cocktail of ideas he adopts from various belief systems, depending on whether they suit his purpose.

He quotes the Bible to defend his position that the government must care for the "least of these." (Despite the fact that Jesus' words were NOT, "Make sure your government is taking care of the least of these for you.") But, he doesn't ask the Scriptures about ripping babies from their mothers' womb. He says he wants to help those in need; he has a heart for the disadvantaged. But, check out this summary of his personal charitable giving record. And, he claims to love the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the principles on which the country was founded, but he talks incessantly of "change" and shows no confidence in out tried-and-true private business practices...

Anyway, Obama is just one of many politicians--on both sides of the aisle--who choose words carefully, pay lip service to all the right people, and try to quote equally from the Bible and the Koran, so as not to offend. And, I just can't imagine walking on eggshells all the time, more worried about the impression I'm making than the message I'm delivering. How on earth does one justify his/her beliefs, suggest policy changes, and talk about "values" while remaining morally neutral? You can't.

My heart would race every time somebody asked me a simple question, if I didn't have the ability to be totally politically uncorrect and completely, 100% honest. (Perhaps, if someone said, "When, in your opinion, does a baby get its rights" I would have to say, "That's above my paygrade.")

To quote the Prayer Breakfast speech one more time, Obama says: "It is useful to go back to scripture to remind ourselves that none of us has all the answers." But, Mr. President, my Bible provides me with lots of answers. It offers pure, unadulterated Truth, which combines with reason to help me take a stand on really tough issues. The study of Truth allows me to answer questions which terrify someone worried about public image or getting caught in their own complicated amalgamation of world thought. Even if I make a mistake--I can rest assured that Truth is left unchanged. And, if I err, I simply can correct my thinking in order to line up with the absolute, indestructable Truth. The pressure is off!

I love truth because it sets me free.