Head Battles

I was a pretty timid kid. Cautious, careful, calculated. But, I never really subscribed to the same fears as "most" children.

There was a brief time I was afraid of That Something in the basement, which chased me up the stairs and disappeared when I turned around to look at it. But, when I had a heart-to-heart with myself, I knew there was no such thing as monsters. My rational mind would ask, "What are you afraid of?" and quickly provide the answer "nothing justifiable" before my imagination ran any. (By the way, I never bought the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy stories for the same reason. Some may note my practical, down-to-earth personality spared me childhood fears at the expense of the privilege to indulge in holiday fantasies.... and I won't turn down Christmas presents labeled "from Santa" to those who feel I've missed something.)

But, though I wasn't afraid of the monster under my bed, I was NOT fearless. When I wondered, "Why am I afraid to make a phone call?" or "What's so scary about meeting new people?" it occurred to me, "I don't want to mess up!" And is that so unreasonable?

To this day, my struggle is the same. I don't fear "normal" adult things, like where the money will come from or whether my family is safe. God promises to meet my needs, and He always has. I don't worry about what we'll eat or drink or wear, because my Bible AND my experiences have shown me it's not necessary. Likewise, I'm not afraid of dying, nor do I fear the death of a loved one. I don't WANT to confront death any time soon, but the fact that I know Jesus takes the scariness out.

No, my worries center on my own abilities. I worry I'LL mess something up.

I wonder whether I'm pulling my weight in this world or if I'm missing my purpose completely. The monsters of laziness, apathy, and anxiety keep me from acting on my beliefs with shameful frequency. This proves they are much more dangerous than the Googly-Eyed Goblin in the closet. And, when I neglect to do the things I know I should, it leads to depression and shame--two more creatures in my head which I find difficult to face.

And, thus, why selfishness is the root of all evil. My mind is capable of winning battles and leading me to great places. But, sometimes it rebels and constructs the most difficult battles of all.