S.S. Enlightenment

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I'm a big fan of Athol Kay's Captain/First-Officer model to explain the roles of husband and wife in a Christian marriage. (Language Warning: the post contains the S-word, "submission"...and a couple truly "colorful" expressions.)

Today, I thought it would be fun to imagine an aircraft being flown by a more "progressive" (egalitarian) flight crew...

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(We are aboard S.S. Enlightenment, a starship located somewhere in the Whirlpool Galaxy and cruising at just under 3 light-years per hour...)

Captain: Check fuel pressure, please.

First-Officer: (quick sigh) Yes, sir.

Captain: In five minutes, we will reduce speed to Idle, and then have Maintenance double-check our thrusters are clear before going into Warp.

First-Officer: This would be a triple-check, sir. (rolling eyes)

Captain: Is that so? Something tells me you're unhappy about that...

First-Officer: With permission to speak freely, sir, reducing to Idle adds 4 hours to our trip. And we've already been put behind schedule after stopping in Andromeda to take pictures of the billboard.

Captain: (chuckles to self) "Rent this space."

First-Officer: (dead pan) Hilarious. But, you are aware we will be turned away from the docking bay if we don't make it to base on time.

Captain: I am also aware we will not make it to base at all, if space particles clog our thrusters and the entire ship goes down in flames...  Thank you for weighing in, co-Pilot, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

First-Officer:  Okay...but.  Um...

Captain: Is there something else?

First-Officer: (trying for delicacy) It's just, well...you did it again.

Captain: Did what?

First-Officer: You asked for my input and then totally disregarded it. Plus, you referred to my lesser-rank. That's a shame technique, I think. 

Captain: Sincere apologies, co-Pi--er--I mean, Other Captain. Like I've told you before, your presence is valuable...and I'd hate to make you feel less powerful than I am.

First-Officer: You say that. But your actions speak louder than words. When it comes to how you run this ship, it's like my feelings don't matter.

(looooong pause) 

Captain:  ....Oh, uh, my turn again. Well, if I've done something to upset you, I truly am sorry. And even though I don't always remember to thank you, it's a real privilege to sail the Cosmos with you.

First-Officer: I appreciate that, sir.

Captain:  I mean it! You're making me a better Captain, by showing me how to be nice. Anytime you want to discuss your feelings, just let me know.

First-Officer: Aw, shucks, sir.

Captain: Now, I believe our 5-minutes are almost up. So if you would kindly begin initiating speed reduction--

First-Officer:  Say WHAT?!  You literally just finished saying you are sorry for upsetting me. And now you're going to continue with the plan I said I didn't like?! That's exactly what I'm talking about--treating me like I'm worthless!

Captain: Sometimes I take your advice, Other Pilot. But I've been given command, and it's difficult to do my job when I have to justify every decision I make.

First-Officer:  You're not in the team mindset, Captain.  You act like a solo-rider on a one-man vessel sometimes. But, when you work on a ship with a crew, you have to value their input... you have to talk and talk and talk and talk until everybody agrees on the strategy, and then everyone can tackle problems together. There is unity and nobody feels inferior.

Captain: (scratches head) I guess I see what you're saying. My only question is...why call me Captain if I don't make any calls?

First-Officer: Again, thinking of yourself... It's not true leadership to flaunt titles and demand authority. Good leaders make plans that other people want to follow. And, right now, I don't want to follow your plan.

(One of the crewmen notices a red light flashing)

Captain:  Boy, when I stop and think about how much I've expected trust and loyalty...it's kind of embarrassing! I think you're right, Other Captain. I need to earn the respect of my crew. And since that won't be accomplished through a display of competency, like I once thought, I'm going to be a good leader by letting a more qualified person handle it.

First-Officer: (startled) Wait. No, you can't mean--

Captain: That's right, co-Pilot.There is no one I trust more than you to steer the ship in my absence.

(Smoke has begun rising from a control board. Crewmen are punching buttons, scurrying for water, and trying to get the attention of the quarreling pilots.)

First-Officer: But you're not absent, sir! The Command Post appointed you Captain, and I would never dream of usurping that power...

Captain: Nonsense. Command has always said we're equally smart and equally valuable in our roles on this ship. (walking away) So why don't you take the wheel?

First-Officer: (spinning between desperation and anger) But...but...but, you can't abandon me this way!

Captain: If you need me, I'll be in my cabin, beating my Pong score.

(The ship shakes and cracks. Two, female crew members watch the Captain walk out the door and begin whispering to each other.)

First-Officer: (to the females)  See? I TOLD you he was lazy! (continues muttering to self) And how am I supposed to lead when he's left the ship in such bad shape?...

(The door closes, but the First-Officer gives the Captain one last piece of her mind.)

First-Officer: You're supposed to lead!!!! ...Just do it like I would!!!!!!

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For more on the topic of power-hungry church ladies, see today's post on The Woman and the Dragon. The story is satirical (yay!), but the author swears the part about the Ladies' Bible Study is totally true...