You Mean Sometimes the Right Thing is EASY?

This past weekend was grrrrrrrrreat! For the first time in I-Won't-Even-Guess-How-Long, Luke and I enjoyed three days off work together. We didn't request this time off. There was no holiday. It just happened to happen. And, though he is busy studying for his nursing boards, we spent a lot of time together.

That is, after getting over our big fight on Friday night.

I know what you must be thinking. "Yay! It's been too long since Amanda shared a juicy story about fighting with her husband."

You are in luck, Good Reader. Before the post is done, I will tell you about two, seperate issues we had before our grrrrrrrrreat weekend went down.

Luke worked six days in a row last week (Friday being the sixth), and each night after coming home he went straight to the office to log study hours for the nursing boards mentioned above. So, he mostly was inaccessible for a long while... And approximately 90% of our issues begin this way. (For an account of how my need for quality time and Luke's difficulty with time management usually clash, you can read about this argument from a few months ago.)

I began letting Luke know I was feeling neglected on Friday morning, and he said he understood the reason. By way of compromise, he wanted to keep studying until 6:15, but then we could have a "date night." He mentioned eating out, watching a movie, or doing something unusual like "building a fort" together. "Okay," I agreed.

Then I waited...

Until 9:15pm.

And that's when I got kind of frustrated.

And I started thinking, "This is going to turn out just like the argument from a few months ago."

And, sure enough, shortly after Luke strolled into our bedroom with a couple excuses and a defensive tone, he started to fall asleep! (sigh).... So, I took my leave and went to the couch to pray, where things could have progressed just like the argument from a few months ago. Except I had learned an important lesson earlier in the week, when we had another disagreement. (I told you! Two, seperate accounts of friction! Allow me to divulge this one!)

My car started squeaking last week. I knew it was the brakes because they've been grinding for awhile, but the squeaking proved we couldn't ignore it any longer. And, when I told Luke about it, he started looking for reputable shops in Fort Wayne. The only problem was, it took about two hours of internet searching for him to announce, "I'm just going to fix them myself!" Then he started the long process of internet research to tell him "how to" do something. (I'm very familiar with this process, as we own a home and have spent many hours in do-it-yourself projects. Luke loves "how to" researching.)

However, from the perspective of a woman who already feels she isn't seeing much of her husband (save for his closed eyelids in the morning, when I kiss him before going to work), I didn't think fixing the brakes on his own was manageable. Either he has the time to spend on the car--and, by the same token, the time to spend with me. Or he doesn't have time for either...

But, when I mentioned the other things he could/should be doing with his time, he became defensive... I explained that I appreciate his desire to save us some money, and that I believe he is capable of fixing the brakes. But, I also don't think it's worth missing more time with him when we can afford to hire a professional. For me, his nursing test and job are higher priorities. Yet, telling him I miss his company didn't soften the blow, and he was mad that I was "getting in the way" of something he wanted to do.

Then, he said something which made me realize the real problem had nothing to do with brakes or defensiveness or differing opinions. He said (sarcastically), "When the nursing test is done, will you let me make decisions, or will you have something else on a list for me to do?"

And it hit me that he was angry in the same way a child gets mad at a parent. He saw ME as the obstacle to his plans, and he didn't like what I was saying. But, while he should have conducted a similar argument with his conscience, I was personifying the "bad guy" instead. It occured to me that Luke is a good man who wants to do the right thing--but the right thing is hard to hear from another individual. It's easy to get mad at the person pointing out the truth, even if you would agree when forced to consider the options yourself.

So, I stepped back and said, "Pray about it. If you honestly can tell me your decision to repair the brakes yourself is the wisest use of your time, and if you are at peace with it, I will not stop you." And instantly, the argument was over.

Know what else? He didn't have time to fix the brakes... and it was so much easier not having to play the role of his conscience. It made so much sense after that. Why not let him get mad at the Holy Spirit instead of me? God can take Luke's frustration! And, in the meantime, it doesn't put unnecessary strain on our relationship. I don't have to be the bad guy.

Back to Friday night, after I left Luke half-asleep in the bedroom, clearly in the wrong for backing out on his word and leaving me disappointed. I went to the couch and started praying, but this time, I didn't run back and turn the light on in Luke's face. (If you read the argument from a few months ago, you know what I'm referencing.) Instead I asked that God would do the convicting. I told Him that I know Luke is a respectable, God-fearing man who just needs a nudge sometimes--but that I'm not qualified to give him that nudge. And, once again, my experience was much less stressful than usual.

Luke found me in the living room and apologized for getting wrapped up in his business at my expense. And--though we didn't come up with any "fail-proof solutions" for preventing this situation next time, it helps to know it's not my responsibility to make sure Luke doesn't let me down again. I just need to encourage him to pray, and let God do the rest.

Then Saturday rolled around, and we slept late together. We went to church Sunday morning, and in the evening, we built a fort in the living room. Finally, we studied for Luke's boards together on Monday, and by the time we got back from Applebee's that night, I was convinced it was the grrrrrrreatest weekend in a long time.