Awhile back, I wrote a post called CANI Get Free Money, Please? in which I asked the question "What is the REAL root of poverty" which we should be attacking? Do people just need "a chance?" A little boost of money and encouragement? (I would say some do.) But what about those who receive one opportunity after another and still don't learn? Often, our best charities even have the opposite of their intended effect, causing ingratitude and then absolute dependence.
Several readers commented saying, "Yeah, there is someone like that in my family..." Despite the efforts of friends and loved who try lending a hand, these individuals continue making the same bad choices that get them into trouble--financially and emotionally. And that leaves even compassionate people asking: when do we step back and let them fall on their rear ends? Does that make us mean? And at what point does our service and love turn into enablement?
Though that was several weeks ago, the topic has continued to spin in my mind. Then, after talking with my mom, I realized a bit of GOOD news for anyone struggling while observing the poor choices of another.
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When I was training my replacement at the daycare, she observed I had a "different style" than some of the other teachers.
For one thing, I was very matter-of-fact with the kids. There wasn't much coddling and cooing. I was to-the-point with my expectations, clear about what would happen if they weren't met, and swift in discipline when the kids challenged me. So, when my friend said I was "different," I laughed and said, "You mean I'm 'mean'?" She nodded, but added, "Except, the kids don't seem to see it that way!" I took this as a compliment. But, more importantly, she was right about how the kids viewed me.
I was a mean teacher. I plan to be a "mean" Mommy. Because kids--like wise adults--know when they've messed up and appreciate the correction that comes from a loving source. They may scream "I hate you!" in the heat of the emotion. But at the end of the day, they don't really feel "wronged" when stuck in the corner for hitting a friend. My kids knew when they were to blame because I did my best to teach them real justice always has consequences...
There was a chair in the classroom with very thin legs--meaning, the kids loved to stand on it. I literally can't count how many times a student challenged that chair and wound up crying in a tangled heap on the floor. So, of course, everytime I saw somebody climb up, I warned, "You are not supposed to stand on that chair. You will fall." That chair--with it's perfect track record for taking down children--is the perfect example of God's Moral Law.
Many, many times, God says "If you do THIS, then THIS will happen." It's inescapable. The law of the earth is as contant--rather, more so--than the law of children falling off that chair. Sex should be kept within the context of marriage. One man, one woman, for life. What happens when you climb onto THAT chair? Aids and other STDs, unwanted pregnancies, affairs and broken families. Even if none of those happen, there are psychological and spiritual consequences. Period. God says enjoy food and drink in moderation. Want to challenge that rule? Take a look at obesity and alcoholism, for examples of the consequences.
I didn't enjoy watching my students scrape their knees (I would have preferred they take my verbal warning and not require the hard way of learning). But I am glad to know they were learning the cause-and-effect pattern that follows all of us for the rest of our lives. Inescapably.
Unfortunately, many kids figure this out in preschool and then UN-learn it later in life. Too many of us tries to dismiss the Moral Law, with the belief they are the exception to everything... ("Well, Miss Amanda, maybe the chair was dangerous for YOU. But, it's different for me...")
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My mom surprised us with a visit on Easter Sunday. (And it really was surprising, because my parents live an hour and a half away!) She brought us Easter baskets, since we're not traveling any more until Baby arrives, and then we chatted for a couple hours. At the time, I was upset over three or four different incidences in which a hard-headed, less-informed person refused the advice of a wiser party. It used to be that people respected others with more experience than themselves. Younger generations went to their elders with questions, rather than being offended by suggestions. But the world truly is full of unteachable people these days--people who think what applies to one doesn't apply to another. And, I was pretty worked up over one of the incidents in particular, where several young adults verbally ripped into an older lady with all three of my "favorite" culturally-acceptable defenses: "Who do you think you are?" "This is my life." AND "Don't judge me." I wrote this post somewhat in response to that.
So, when my mom started talking about the ladies at the homeless shelter in which she worked--and when she mentioned the strict rules and consequences they enforce there--I just assumed the women who get in trouble are equally defensive about it.
"Let me guess," I said to Mom. "You hear things like, 'Who are you to tell me what to do?' 'You are mean!' all the time.'"
But, Mom shook her head.
"No, the ladies at the shelter have hit rock bottom," she said. "Most of them are well aware they've messed up, and they're ready to listen when people tell them how to fix it."
Eureka! The good news! Sometimes allowing someone to experience the consequences DOES work, and the most "loving" thing one can do is wait for the attitude of humility that comes from a broken and fallen individual.
My mom's words made me think of that chair in the classroom and realize sometimes people do learn lessons. In fact, her ladies and my children, because they learn, are wiser than a sad majority of the rest of us. Yeah, they make poor choices and fall hard--but neither group truly hates the messenger for saying, "I told you so." Instead, even a child recognizes when his or her own choices come back to haunt them. And, after dusting themselves off, the kids and ladies both are humble enough to come back and listen to the warnings next time around.
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The REAL root of many problems is enablement, when a "nice" teacher or "nice" parent can't bear to watch a loved one fall. When someone--for all their good intentions--absorbs the consequences or makes excuses for the poor choices of another, it causes complete ignorance of true justice.
There ARE consequences for every action.
Those who can take advice about cause-and-effect will have an easier life in general. BUT, when someone simply won't learn from verbal warnings, we have to let them crash.
This was encouraging to read. Thank you.
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