Emotions Are Not All Bad?! (Or, The Role of Faith)

To be fair, I've never said emotions are bad. I made the argument that--when handling serious questions or searching for Truth--they tend to get in the way. They cause the conversation to move from civil to sour quickly. And, ultimately, the way one feels about a situation does not justify claiming an action or statement is "true." Some people feel really good about chopping people up and eating them for breakfast. That doesn't mean it's justified.

Thus, I've been on a logic kick. Emotions=complicated, Logic=refreshingly constant.

It took an epically romantic morning with my Creator yesterday--crying and letting Him hold me--to remember the role of faith in the above equations. Sometimes Truth hides in a logical-emotional cocktail--resulting in absolute, faith-filled belief.

I'll share the details in a minute. But first, I wanted to re-post something I wrote in a Facebook note about a year and a half ago. This describes an experience I had the LAST time God was trying to teach me the role of emotions. It was the last time I enjoyed a life-changingly romantic experience with my creator:

Truth be told, we fight more often than we should. But Luke used to write love letters and bring me Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips--and now he's too over-worked to answer simple questions without getting irritated. People like to joke that the honeymoon is over--but in our case, it never started. As soon as Luke and I got married, we both had school and work to consider, and there was little time for romance....

But am I not supposed to be first on his list?! I'm feeling depressed, purposeless, neglected...and it's his job to fix it! Sometimes things are fine, but other times I wish we could go BACK to the days when marriage seemed like the answer to all our problems. Back then we struggled to keep ourselves from getting too close. But, almost since the day we said "I do"--I have been feeling undesirable and unlovable--so that I'd give anything to be close again. Where did the passion go?

I need to find a way to get these thoughts out. It has been so long since I spilled everything onto a piece of paper to relieve the stress. In fact, the last time I journaled was....the night before Luke and I got married. Has it really been a year and a half? While we were dating, I did my devotions and spent time writing at the end of EVERY night--thoughts, prayers, opinions, and short rants. My journal was a roadmap of my heart, and I always intended to give it to my husband as a wedding present. Each entry was headed "Dear Luke," but I talked to God frequently throughout the pages.

Then I gave Luke the three volumes of diaries full of love letters on June 14, 2008, and I considered the project finished. I haven't written regularly since then--which means the regular devotions stopped, too. THAT'S when I started feeling depressed. That's when I sensed a loss of passion.
Maybe it isn't Luke's love I'm missing. Maybe it's God's... Could it be, instead of being neglected, I'm doing the neglecting after all? Is it possible that Luke couldn't bring me out of this depression with all the time and potato chips in the world?
*****
That very night, I started journaling again. Turns out, God had been trying to say "I Love You" the whole time I was dying for romance. But he had a hard time getting my attention. I was away doing important things like caring for children with special needs, finishing my degree, and watching Wheel of Fortune. Between those things and nagging my husband to love me in God's place, I was too distracted to realize I was longing for a different Lover.

Once I settled down with God and my space heater, candle light, piano music, and the Christmas tree, my mood started to perk up. When I praised Him for giving me a job, talents, a house, and plenty of syrup for making chocolate milk, I started noticing even more blessings for which to thank Him. And when I expressed gratitude that Luke is willing to work 8 hours a day, then go to class for three more hours, then come home and do two hours of homework--all to support me--I didn't mind he was tired. In fact, I felt like a complete jerk for demanding constantly that he listen to my accusations when, every time he asked what he could do, I answered "I don't know."

Yesterday, I re-visited the "Nudey Box"--which is the name Luke gave to a cigar box with a painting of a half-naked mermaid on it. It's where he keeps his love notes from me. It reminded me life was NOT perfect before we got married, and that all we ever talked about was that glorious day in the future when we could be man and wife. How dare I complain it isn't easy enough and I want to go back? But the love notes also reminded me I have a VERY romantic husband. He simply can't fill holes that remain when I shove my First Love away.
*****
Today, I was driving to work just before 6:00 in the morning, hands NUMB because I had just pumped the gas I forgot to pump last night. The roads were empty except for me and the poor souls delivering the Journal Gazette. And, together, we froze in the pitch dark and ambled through our routines--most of us glad it's Friday. But in the midst of the same-old, I happened to glance to my right in time to see a shooting star zip past. It startled me a little, but, immediately, I said aloud, "Cool, God!"

It reminded me that, several years ago, my mom heard that astronomers were expecting a meteor shower at a particular time that week. So, at the appointed hour, she and my dad, brother, sister, Luke, and I drove to a farmer's field and laid on our backs looking up at the stars together. We probably saw 10-12 shooting stars that night, and everyone walked away smiling. It was one of those rare occasions where you KNOW you've made a memory instead of just hoping you'll never forget.

So, I smiled to myself this morning while I wondered about the odds of catching a glimpse of the shooting star without looking for it, and I thanked God for the pleasant memory it brought up. Then I smiled even bigger because I thought it was so like God to create something beautiful out of burning rocks--which serve no purpose other than to be "cool." So I wondered, did anyone else see it? Most people were just waking up or getting out of the shower. And everyone already awake had to be looking at the EXACT same spot at the EXACT same time in order to see it.

I'll admit a tear slipped out when I understood I'd been given a love note. I'm sure God did that just for me, knowing that stars make me smile. It was one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. As wonderful as my husband is, he never caused an astrological phenomenon in my honor. He may not even remember the night we watched a meteor shower with my family, and he probably has NO IDEA I enjoyed it as much as I did. But God knows what it takes to make me say "cool," and I picture Him giddy with excitement to throw that star in front of my view.
*****
There is a 5-year-old boy at the daycare who has better drawing skills than I have ever seen in a pre-schooler before. He loves colors, shapes, road maps, and photographs because he has such a talent for duplicating them. Finally he dried most of our markers with his creations and had to go several days without coloring. But the other day, my boss gave me a new package of markers for the classroom. Let me tell you, I could not WAIT to give it to that little boy. I knew he would smile and tear into them right away. Was God THAT thrilled to send the shooting star this morning?

I'm so glad I've re-opened the eyes of my soul through journaling so I'm prepared to see the beautiful things God does for ME. I know He loves the world, and that He sent his Son to die for US. But what did He do recently to romance YOU? Are you a music-lover who heard that song at the right time, in the right place? Has God given you a love of humor, only to put funny things in your path just to hear you laugh? How many times a week does God get excited in preparation for doing something "easy" just for you?

I know many people would say I'm egotistical to believe there is a God who sent burning debris just to make my day (or make my month!). But I'm going to file the event in my mental Nudey Box anyway. How did I EVER feel unloved?

So, there you have it. The logical, head-thinking, debate-loving Amanda turns to sap over a stupid meteor. It was wonderful! And yesterday's experience was similar...

Per usual, it all started with a return of the depression, anxiety, and racing mind which usually tell me something is wrong. Miraculously, I wasn't tempted to blame Luke this time. (He is my favorite scapegoat, but he has been so sweet lately I couldn't even pretend he was the problem.) But WHAT was the problem?

I've been engaging in dialog with an anonymous reader (or "Nony" as I've affectionately deemed her)--talking about God, the Bible, and truth in general. But every time I walked away from the conversation, I felt a certain...restlessness. Our talks have been friendly and beneficial, so there was no reason to feel unhappy. Yet there was little peace in my heart...

One of the points I've been repeating to Nony, over and over, is that Truth is Absolute. God and his laws are unchanging, even if we can't agree on what those laws are. Relativism--or the belief that two mutually-exclusive ideas can be equally right--doesn't hold up logically or practically. And, therefore, Christians may use the same logic we use to say "the grass is green" confidently to state "Jesus is Lord, and the Bible is God's word" with the same conviction.

So why did I lie awake at night thinking I hadn't made the case well enough? Why did all the talk about identity, relativism, Truth vs. Opinion, etc. leave me feeling just as sure of my beliefs--but drained of enthusiasm? Where was the passion (or at least the contentment) I expected to feel in return for carrying the message of God's truth?

I pressed on--believing that I must uncover truth, even though it's hard. Emotions are complicated, and doing difficult things is just part of life sometimes. But I told God, "I'll keep going for You!" and hoped He appreciated it...I was still struggling with lack-of-sleep and lack-of-direction when I left for Kokomo, and I was looking forward to talking about philosophy with my dad.

What I DIDN'T expect--interrupting our musings on the law of identity and C.S. Lewis quotes--was for my mom to yell from the kitchen, "I think all that talk about logic comes straight from Satan!"
Now, this is a woman who has been a Christian for more than 20 years. She believes in God. She believes the Bible is true, but she thinks it's wrong to discuss her reasons for it?
Not exactly.
Instead, she pointed out, "I have logical reasons for believing what I do--but you can't prove it once and for all. That eliminates faith. God isn't logical!" That sounded a lot like what Nony was saying.

I tried to reason with her. "Yeah, but Mom, what if somebody has legitimate questions about whether it's even POSSIBLE for God to exist or for the Bible to be true. If they honestly don't believe it, you can't ask them to just 'trust' you. Right? We are told to give an answer for the hope we have, and that means helping those who doubt find reasons to believe."

But Mom was insistent. "I became a Christian because your dad was different from anyone else I'd ever met, and he was a smart guy. He showed me that belief wasn't absurd. But, talking about whether a tree can be a tree and a non-tree at the same time isn't relevant! I think it's Satan confuses things on purpose to take faith out of the equation." Interesting perspective, huh? And this new idea that Emotions and Logic TOGETHER have something to do with "faith" set the stage for my romantic Sunday morning...

That's when I got an email from a friend, in which she said several things which helped make more sense of ALL my recent, mind-spinning struggles.

First, she said, "What do we DO, and how does logic fit into the process? Ah, Amanda, it's a journey. Probably a lifelong journey. And it's a mission-critical journey, a quest, if you like. I'm glad you're on it and want to continually encourage you to keep on it -- too many people just accept the status quo and it's important that you don't become complacent or cynical or burned out." These words stuck out because I HAVE been feeling a little burnt out. But the real kick to the head was the mention of a journey. This is something I've believed about the Christian life for a long time. It is a fluid, changing relationship with God, like taking a walk with Him and making a little progress each day. Your faith is different from my faith, though the truth we find is unchanging. So, maybe the way my mom comes to understand God, and the way an anonymous reader comes to know Him, and the way I experience him is different, too?

As it turns out, in my concern for proving there are no double standards--that Ultimate Truth must be the same for everyone--I forgot to take into account that people relate to God differently. Logically speaking, it's not possible for me to be hungry and not hungry at the same time, but it IS possible for to me to be hungry when YOU are not. That doesn't mean truth is relative. I believe all of us will arrive at the same Absolute conclusion if we are sincere in our searching. But, in this case, our two "truths" (being hungry and not being hungry) are not mutually exclusive. We don't have to agree on whether BOTH of us is hungry at the same time--it's possible to feel different things at different times, just like it's possible to arrive at the same truth through different methods of searching.

Another part of the email, then, broke my heart in a very good kind of way. It said, "[following God] hurts and doesn't make sense half the time, but I have to believe that He reads our blogs, journals, and emails and sees our hearts. And that He will give us the desires of our hearts. I believe that He planted in your heart the desire for truth to prevail - and He will fulfill that desire. There just may be pieces of your life that don't seem to have anything to do with logic or being a witness or anything productive. Meaningless, apparently barren things that seem to take forever and that seem to be a waste of time, talent, and treasure. But He uses them. By faith I say this because my life currently has rather an abundance of these!"

It brought tears to my eyes because I realized, all this time I was trying to convince others, God was using the situation to speak to ME. He reminded me of my meteor experience in order to show me that the times we know Him the best often relate directly to our feelings and experiences--not necessarily "logic." My mom fell in love with a smart, Christian man. It brought her to the Truth. Others experience a miraculous healing or a vivid dream. It brings them to the Truth. Some of us get excited when we realize logic and reason, too, point to the unchanging Truth. But, ultimately, we can't "prove" ANYTHING. (For goodness sake, people have debated whether or not we can even "prove" our OWN existence. But, in the end, every belief requires a little faith.)

Make sure your beliefs are sensible. The grass is green. God exists. The Bible is His word. Do these things make sense? Are they possible? But, in times of doubt and pain--when the journey hurts and you've asked all the questions you can--that's when we rely on faith. The idea that God reads my thoughts and waits for the perfect time to rescue me--to give me the desires of my heart--humbles me. It romances me. And it brings me back to good ol', basic faith.

Turns out, even when I do things out of sacrifice, telling God He better appreciate it, the trials were part of his plan for MY growth and MY benefit all along. Even when I think I'm doing God a favor, it's Him who is pursuing me...who pursues all of us.

Praise God, none of us has to "get it all right" to understand pieces about Him and carry out His purposes. We're here for different reasons, to learn different lessons, and to relate in different ways. What a beautiful, logically-backed yet emotional-charged journey is the journey of faith.

No, emotions aren't all bad. In fact, it's the emotional encounters with God that a no-nonsense person like me expects the least and enjoys the most. When logic tells us it's okay to believe--it's possible and not crazy to rely on God--that's when our experiences and emotions are free to tell us the rest.