Remember the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle? It's sung from the perspective of a father, watching his little girl grow from a flower-picking, circle-twirling princess to a mature, wedding dress-clad lady asking him to escort her down the aisle. The chorus repeats, "After all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right to deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night."
I confess, as a fairly little girl myself when the song hit the charts, I didn't get the hype.
But, just today, I stumbled upon a quote by Mr. Carlise that DID tug at my heartstrings. He says, "I get a lot of mail from young girls who try to get me to marry their moms. That used to be a real chuckle because it’s so cute, but then I realized they didn’t want romance for mom. They want the father that is in that song, and that just kills me."
Truly, it kills me, too. The single greatest gift a child can be given is the presence of a father...
My own dad is a stand-up comic who has posted several sample videos to YouTube. Once, while I was watching a clip of his, I noticed a comment by someone I didn't recognize saying, "That's my dad!" Another user said, "Really? You have a cool dad! Is he that funny at home?" And this girl said, "Not when he wakes me up for school!" To be totally honest, my jealousy flared up over that incident--and I popped into the discussion to say, "Hey, I didn't know I had another sister! Will you be joining us at Thanksgiving? signed, one of John's REAL daughters." I was frustrated that somebody would try to use him for their own ego boost. That's MY dad!
But, after reading the quote from Mr. Carlisle, it puts a new perspective on things. Before, I thought this random commenter simply wished her dad was as cool as mine. Now I wonder if she had a dad at all.
Nearly 4 out of 10 kids in America doesn't have a dad at home. In the African American community, the situation is even more bleak: three quarters of children live with Mom only. There have been plenty of studies showing the benefits of a daddy's influence--and the emotional toll it takes on a child when he's absent. But, I think each of us knows the facts on a deeper level than that...
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"Alyssa" was a student of mine--a typical four-year-old with a talent for chatter and a fiesty streak. (By "fiesty" I mean, "downright adverse" when she put her stubborn will up to it. She once screamed in the corner for over 30 minutes rather than pick up the blocks she left on the floor.) Anyway, nothing really seemed "wrong" with Alyssa at first glance. But, like many of the kids in my classroom, her parents never married. And whether her mother noticed or not, it affected her.
One day, Alyssa raided the dress-up box and emerged fully decked out in lace and pearls. She put a plastic crown on her head and examined the results in the floor-length mirror before scanning the room for an audience. I could see the thoughts in her head: "Somebody has to appreciate this! I look too good to go unnoticed!" Then, she promptly headed for the meanest, most sour 6-year-old boy in the room and asked, "How do I look?!"
"Ugly," he said. And he walked away.
You may think Alyssa cried--but she didn't. She was fiesty, remember? However, she didn't stop looking for approval, either. She walked slowly in front of a three-year-old student and said, "Look, I'm a princess!"
He wasn't rude--but he wasn't impressed.
So, Alyssa took out her big voice (which we're supposed to reserve for outside or emergencies, by the way) and attempted to demand attention.
"EVERYBODY has to look at ME because I'm the Princess in charge!... Now let's play princess, and I'll wear this crown! It looks good on me!"
None of the others really noticed the loudness--they certainly didn't know Alyssa's self-confidence was on the line. So they kept doing whatever they had been doing and ignored her.
Luckily, that's when my coworker walked through the door.....a male coworker, to be precise.
"Mr. Lance! I'm dressed like a princess!" Alyssa said, still using the outside voice, though I excused it based on the fact that this was an emotional emergency. And, thankfully, she finally got the help she needed.
"You look absolutely beautiful."
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That wasn't the only time Alyssa revealed her heart. Shortly after her mother got remarried, she bounded through the classroom door and yelled, "(step-dad) said I can call him Daddy!"
It was the best news she had gotten in her life.
No, I don't need stats and studies to tell me dads are important...
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Sometimes I think my love for my dad hurts my mom, and I wish that wasn't the case. It's not that his importance makes her irrelevent. But I think the father's significance is a God-given attribute, and it's staggering how many problems can be linked back to a person's lack-of-a-father.
God compares himself to a father, so it must be big deal. This also explains why the role of fatherhood has been attacked and abused so relentlessly. What better way for Satan to obscure the idea of God than to take away the best earthly example of His character?
A loving Daddy.
It's not even HARD for him to wreak havoc on families in the midst of a self-absorbed culture. It's hard for mothers to accept that their kids need a dad. It's hard for dads to step up and be needed so very much. And, those who aren't up for the task simply try to tell themselves kids are "fine" without the two-parent model God designed...
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Luke and I are planning to foster/adopt in our future, and I can't wait. It's not that I'm excited to jump through all the hoops required to prove we are capable parents. It's not that I feel we have loads of space, food, and other resources just begging to be given to the "disadvantaged." Perhaps most strangely, I don't feel I'm called to save the world one child at a time, the way we may expect an adoptive parent views their role. At least, I'm not called to do so alone. No, the best thing I have to offer my children is what my mother provided for me: a father.
And, though it may be hard when my little girl craves Daddy's attention above mine, or my little boy demands "man time" and prefers wrestling and sports to my cuddles, this is an act of selflessness I KNOW pays off. Children with fathers have more self-confidence, are less sexually promiscuous, do better in school, have less chance of depression, and a host of other things. But, perhaps most importantly, they have an easier time understanding the verse, "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us..."
I have wonderful Daddies, in Heaven and on Earth, and I'm ready to kill my own selfish desires in order to share that gift with my children.
I wish there was a "like" option here in Blogger, too.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, it frustrates me how much you undermined your own role in this post. We don't have studies on how important moms are to kids, but that's just because moms stick around. Moms don't need convincing that they're needed.
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely a better person because of time I spent with my dad after work, but he built off a foundation my mom spent *all day* laying. She's the one pushed me to talk to kids I didn't know. She's the one who directly challenged me to do better when she knew I could. She's the one whose personal faith led to specific turning points in my own.
I know you're point wasn't to degrade moms, but the truth is, Luke isn't the best thing you have to offer your kids. You have *your* faith and *your* love to offer. Heck, you even have *your* playtime to offer (because the idea that only dads play with the kids is a pretty tired stereotype). Your kids would miss those things, too, if they were gone.
Oh Amanda. This post makes me so sad for so many reasons.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of great lesbian parents. I don't think you really know that because they aren't part of your bubble (I read your blog because you aren't part of my bubble... I don't use the term with the intent to offend).
I can't imagine losing either of my parents. I think that by emphasizing their gender role (mom/dad) you are negating how individual each parent (person) is. I know plenty of people who are closer to mom, plenty who are closer to dad, plenty who are close to both in different ways. What exactly makes a father a father? Maybe part of the issue here is that I don't buy the whole "God compares himself to men" concept...
I think the reason kids from single-parent homes face so many issues is largely correlation, not causation. Poverty, instability, etc can have a big impact on a child. Our social context is so complicated that I don't think it can be boiled down to presence of a father.
I don't find your story about Alyssa convincing. I think your perspective on men highly influences your perception. A little kid wanting attention is not abnormal (I've babysat and been a camp counselor for A LOT of my life). A kid being thrilled that their new family member is accepting them is normal. There was probably a lot of social pressure on the little girl because she heard lots of kids talking about dads but didn't have that. I don't think that speaks to inherent value, just peer pressure (essentially).
I do agree all children need role models, but I think that can be filled through a community mentor or male relative in addition to a father. I agree with sharing children... realizing that different people can contribute different things to a child's life, and honoring that.
I just don't ever think that devaluing women (or mothers) is necessary to value men (or fathers). I think it's sad when we create hierarchies like that.
Bethany, I love your points! :)
ReplyDeleteBethany,
ReplyDeleteAs you know, the toughest part about writing is deciding what to leave UN-said. In this case, writing about the importance of a father caused the mother's role to be downplayed.
I don't mean to imply that moms are useless. But, as you pointed out, they aren't typically the ones leaving. And I have to wonder, why is that?
This question reminded me of the fact that God compares Himself to a father and, perhaps not-so-incidentally, he also compares himself to a loving husband. These are two positions which are abused and outright neglected at an alarming rate. Husbands and Dads. So, I wonder, if God constantly compared himself to mothers and wives, would it would be WOMEN who fell under spiritual attack and began deserting their roles under the pressure? Obviously, there is no way to know. But it seems to add up...
Another reason I wrote about women humbly is because I'm a woman--and I'm not very humble. In fact, I'm so darn "confident" in my necessity as a mother that I KNOW it has crossed into arrogance more than once. Rather than low self-esteem, my struggle tends to land in the realm of ego and pride. And this blog was intended to help me take it down a notch!
In our culture's effort to support and build-up single mothers, I think we've begun (wrongly) to make women feel they SHOULD do everything themselves. As a loud, independently-thinking, stubborn, strong-willed woman myself, it would be easy for my confidence to turn into an "I'm fine on my own" attitude as well.
So, the question I've been asking myself lately is, "What things will be essential for my children's development that I can't personally give them?" And the answer is the same thing every mother cannot possibly give her children alone--the extremely-important love of a father...
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteMy response to Bethany addresses my reasons for downplaying the mother's role, so I hope you'll read it. Of course, I don't mean to say women aren't important--that would be silly and self-destructive. But, I DO want to make a stand for the fathers of the world because it seems SOMETHING is causing them to run and hide in large numbers.
In regards to your statement that "Alyssa's story was unconvincing," I can only say it wasn't meant to be concrete proof that my theories are valid (though we all know I like concrete proof!) The problem is, as our other discussion have revealed, I'm still unsure what your criteria is for being convinced...
:)
My point was that you are leaping to conclusions without proof (lack of logic --> me not convinced). You assume what is going on in the little girl's mind without having any idea. You watch her behavior and then make assumptions about what is going on in her mind and what causes these behaviors even though you don't have evidence of causation.
ReplyDeleteExample: She acts happy to call someone Dad. You assume this is because she "needs" a dad. There are many other explanations, such as social pressure. Thus, you are not proving anything.
I absolutely loved this article. As person who has personally lived through several different kinds of dads (loving, absent, distant, gay) in my one earthly father, I can attest the importance of the role of good daddy. Brava to you for writing an honest post on the subject.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, especially one of a strong, independent variety, it is very hard to admit kids need dads. I have imagined raising kids alone for years and relished in the knowledge that I don't need a man's help. I will be an excellent mother. I have the practice (what live-in nanny of preschool aged twin boys doesn't?!?), the creativity, the patience (most days), the love of boundaries and rule and all kinds of other tools in my belt ready to go. However, as I get older, I'm in many ways I'm getting wiser. I realize that I had a foundation on a strong father figure. Things didn't go to hell, so to speak, until I was 15. However, my sisters, being 4 and 8 years younger, weren't afforded that luxury.
Each of the three us has our "daddy issues":
-one has to be loved by anyone who will "love" her and has had her heart broken numerous times because she's willing to trade sex for love.
-one can't allow herself to be loved by anyone because she feels no one could ever really love her without it being a mean prank.
-one can't allow any boy to be nice to her without accepting it as downplaying her role in the world and thus breaks up with him within a matter of weeks.
Does that make us different than 90% of American girls? No. Not at all.
and that's what's so sad.
We weren't made to be this broken. We were made to have a father that would teach us about The Father.
You have every reason to be as grateful and joyous that your baby will be that blessed. Hooray for Luke! Thank you, Luke, for being the man that God created you to be.
http://www.cyep.org/our_mission-why_fathers.htm Concrete proof?
ReplyDeleteAlso, great post! It was very touching and I couldn't agree more.
ReplyDelete