Dear God,
I tried to write to You yesterday, but I got interrupted. And, since I have the Wednesday letter on my mind, and since I have things to say to You, and since I've delayed our conversation long enough, here I am.
My mood has been all over the place, and--as I anticipated--the transition in which pregnancy has thrown me is affecting my habits. For some reason, when something big happens in my life, my alone time with You gets knocked out of whack first. In this case, I'm spending a lot of time sleeping. And, during the few hours I'm awake, I feel an overwhelming need to work on house projects and run errands, which leaves little time to be still. I'm sorry.
Thankfully, because of the life you're knitting inside me, I haven't reverted into the usual pattern of depression that follows a streak of selfishness. My soul can't help praising you every time I think about the miracle you're performing right now, and the baby makes You hard to ignore. Even when I'm trotting to the bathroom and replacing my beloved salty foods with veggies, I'm awed and excited by the fact that you know this child already. You've chosen me to be its mother. This event helps me see Your presence in my life.
But, I'm not happy with the very little time I've set apart for You. It's not enough to make a quick request for safety in the car or to say "Thank You" as I'm drifting to sleep at night. Even my daily Bible reading is more habitual than spiritual, and I need much more of You than that. I need you so badly I don't even understand it myself.
Today, I saw an article in a Christian periodical that was called "Is God a Dictator?" and I couldn't even read it. Maybe it was You who whispered in my ear:
What difference does it make? Dictator, Permissive Parent, or President, it doesn't matter. Those who wonder these things are missing the point."
Asking whether You're a dictator is like convincing the world that hostile aliens are coming to kill us all and writing articles called, "Do you think they will have blonde hair?" It doesn't matter!Lord, Your impact on this world is much, much bigger than Your leadership style. If You are there, in your all-powerful, unimaginable, perfectly-loving glory, You can rule however You want.
If I really understood your character, I would shake. If I could wrap my mind around your very existence--if I could recognize that You are more significant and life-altering than a host of planet-destroying aliens--I would not struggle to make time for You. I would fall on my knees and beg You to show me just one more glimpse of Your face. I would, at the very least, stop painting walls for a few minutes a day to tell You there is no meaning to my life unless You're in it.
Dad, thank you for waiting patiently for me to call when I'm suffering from self-absorbtion. Thank You for showing up and blowing me away every time I look for You. You're a big deal; YOU are the point. Please help me pass this test and walk closely with You, even though life has been turned upside down. Show me another glimpse of Your face, and I will worship You forever.
In the Holy name of Jesus I ask,
Amen
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