But, I don't intend to sound superior or needlessly pessimistic. I'm not trying to bring down my readers with endless bad news about the state of our faith. I want to help others with Truth which I, too, have had to learn--often the hard way.
For example, I can't help but think others can relate to this quote as I do:
"I bought a book [on Christian marriage] and gave it to [my husband] desperately hoping that he'd read it and everything would get better because he'd be learning how to better relate to me..."
Until recently, I actually believed myself a good, concerned, Christian wife for doing this. I believed I was encouraging Luke to be a more godly husband.
Until recently, I didn't realize that most Christian literature does NOT encourage real manhood at all.
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So, for those who believe I was unfair to criticize the famous Marilyn Monroe quote on Facebook--to those who don't like my current series about Cutesy Christian Mottoes (and here and here) because you like those mottoes just fine--I expect you won't appreciate this post, either. Consider yourself warned.
My next target is a fairly popular book on relationship advice by Christian couple, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, For Men Only. If you like the book and can't bare to have it dissected, don't keep reading. If pop-religious resources like this one have improved your relationships immensely, then excuse my look of surprise, and carry on! :)
But if, like me, you have been seeking and following the advise of well-meaning Christian mentors for years and still feel as though something is...wrong...then please let me share what I've learned.
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The following quotes are from this post on the blog, Sarah's Daughter. Read the full post if you resonate with the tidbits. Then get back over here to discuss with me.
"Do not place focus on what your husband is or is not doing. You focus on you. Are you respecting him and submitting to him in all things?"
"[From Jeff Feldhahn]: 'Few things drive a guy crazy more than the sense of being tested or manipulated and most of us soon give up in disgust. I can't tell you how many times when facing resistance I've thought, Fine, suit yourself. I've got to go cut the lawn anyway. And then I pretty much put the incident out of my mind. Unfortunately, [my wife] can't.
"[Sarah's Daughter argues:] This is a classic fitness test...First of all, if you are doing this to your husband, you are wrong."She's still seeking the answer to the original question: "Do you still love me?"
My advice is, if you're speechless with frustration at that point, you're still in the game. Forget giving speeches and simply reach for her. (emphasis mine)
"There's a reason why a husband reaching for his wife to hug her when she is behaving like this actually makes her lose respect for him (and subsequent attraction to him). It's not biblical for him to do so. Whether we women recognize it in our hearts or not, his supplicating to this sort of test tells us that he is not washing us with the word, he is not holding us accountable to scripture, that he's caving to our evil, he is relinquishing his authority and it leaves us vulnerable and unprotected..."
(Addendum: if you want more reading material, here is another bloggers spin on the same concept: Bad Advice!!!)
(Addendum: if you want more reading material, here is another bloggers spin on the same concept: Bad Advice!!!)
Hmm... I think there are a couple things to note (having read the original post).
ReplyDeleteShe's spot on about women taking care of their own issues. Whether your husband loves you as Christ does or not, you are still called to submit to and love him.
However, the reverse applies to him. Whether his wife respects him or not, he needs to love her.
And I know, sometimes that will mean rebuke. But I don't think that means a husband can't reach out for his wife. Consider the example God gives us.
Yes, we are told quite clearly what awaits adulterers and liars and so on. But the Bible also says that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
While we were pushing away God, He sent His Son. When we rejected Him, Christ died for us. And even now, when we deny Him, He relentlessly pursues us. If He didn't, the Bible says we wouldn't have the ability to call on His name in the first place.
So, yeah, I think it's perfectly legitimate for a husband to reach out for his wife. Not every wife will like it (which is why I hate black and white stereotypes about the sexes), but some will. I imagine the woman who wrote the book liked it--because that book will forevermore be her husband's reference guide for how to treat her.
I agree, of course, that a man's responsibilities remain, whether the wife is sinning or not... but the tough part is defining exactly what those responsibilities are. If reaching out means showing physical affection and being more "communicative" and doing more dishes and a thousand other things many wives claim to want, it can backfire spectacularly. I believe most married men will tell you that...
DeleteI hate to sound like I'm waving you off, because "single people can't understand," or something. But I think it really is difficult to describe the common tensions between spouses unless you've experienced it.
Meanwhile, every honest, married woman I've ever encountered has been able to relate. We think we know what we want. We ask our husbands to be more (fill in the blank). But, even if they follow our formulas to the letter, we remain unhappy. In fact, the MORE supplicating a husband, the MORE repulsed and unsatisfied the wife becomes...
There are lots of things I could say regarding *why* I believe this is. (Women subconsciously try to get their men to act more like their girlfriends, and then become legitimately confused when they stop being attracted to them.) But, that wasn't really the point of this post.
The bottom line here is, Luke has no responsibility to hug me, or "talk it out" with me, or pursue my supposed happiness--especially when I'm performing a "fitness test." His responsibility always is to do what is best for me. And, when I start making selfish demands (even those disguised as spiritually-motivated), what's best for me is to be told to knock it off. That's the kind of leadership I can respect.
Well, after I stop sulking. :)