I Just Can't Hide It...

Actually, I hope to "hide it" physically for several more months. But I can't hide the ridiculous grin on my face or the uncontrollable urge to sing and dance. I've long said I'm my own worse secret keeper, and that remains true.

I'm a few days late in posting because I couldn't type while clamping my hands over my mouth. All I wanted to do was tell the world that something else was late! But, I'm a firm believer Mom and Dad (rather "Grandma and Grandpa") need to know first. So I simply avoided my blog the whole weekend.

Luke knew I was no longer on the pill and that my monthly visitor was taking her sweet time. But, I started getting PMS-like cramps on Monday, and it only had been a couple weeks since we stopped preventing. Surely that's not enough time... Just to be sure, I took one of the two tests I brought, and it was negative. So, that settled it.

But, on Saturday morning, when Aunt Flo still hadn't made an appearance, I couldn't resist taking the other test. Negative... with maybe a hint of a verticle line. No, I was imagining things.
I was so irritated by my own delusions, I almost threw the test away. Really. But, every second made that little blue screen look more like a plus sign. And my first thought was: "I need more tests."

Too bad it was 7:oo in the morning and I wasn't dressed, showered, or finished with my grocery list. (As excited as I was, I'm still too practical to leave the house without buying everything I need in one trip.) Then, all those things took twice as long to accomplish, since I had to walk back to the counter every 2 minutes to make sure the plus sign stayed put.

Finally I made it to Aldi, then Walmart, where I picked up my groceries for the week, three more tests, and a couple yellow burp clothes. I knew I couldn't wait for Luke to get home that night before telling him, so I made plans to meet him at work on his break. Then I went home to take two more tests. Since I still was pregnant, I wrapped all three positive tests in the new burp clothes and put them in a gift bag for the Daddy-to-Be.

This is where I had two hours of alone time--just me and God, enjoying the secret. And I haven't experienced that kind of intimacy with my Father in a long while. I couldn't stop smiling. There was no stopping the praises. God managed to shock me, comfort me, scare me, and bless me, all at the same time, and I've never been more full of praise. (Maybe that speaks to the bad job I've done of praising in the past, but it just was so easy and natural in those few hours...)

I was thrilled with Luke's response when I saw him later. He showed disbelief on his face for about three seconds, and then we laughed and laughed and laughed. I honestly didn't expect to feel this euphoric--it's not like we had been trying to conceive for years. But we were so overjoyed that Luke accused me of torture because he had to finish the work day without telling anyone. Right before I left, he said, "We HAVE to visit our parents and tell them THIS WEEKEND, or I will explode."

So, we did.

This is going to be the first grandbaby on both sides--thus, the first time our grandparents are great-grandparents...the first time our cousins are second cousins, etc. Everybody gets a title change, and everybody was bound to be excited no matter how we told them. But we couldn't just make phone calls.

We bought "I love Grandma" bibs for both of our mothers. And I wrote letters to Luke's and my siblings, from the baby. (For instance, one of them said, "Dear Mommy's Brother, I'm writing to ask what I should call you... Uncle Andrew? Uncle Drew? Uncle AJ? I'm just so confused! Let me know soon because I'll be there in May. Love, Baby McKinney")

But, Luke came up with the best idea for surprising my dad, who is a stand-up comedian. Luke sometimes takes jokes or premises to my parents house to bounce them off "the professional." So, he asked Dad to take a look at some of his new material, which Luke labeled with "setup" and "punchline" marks, the way Dad had taught him. But, this time, it read like this:

S: Grandparents Day is Sept. 12th
S: This has always confused me.
S: Wouldn't you want to celebrate it on the day you found out you would be a grandparent?
P: Like, TODAY?
P: Happy Grandparents' Day, Grandpa John.

Unfortunately, I think Dad was a little slow in comprehending. And Mom already was waving around her bib frantically yelling, "Look, John! Look, John!" Pandemonium ensued. My sister accused me of lying. And I enjoyed the experience immensely, whether Luke's "joke" was understood or not.

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Okay, now that I've relayed the majority of the story, I know what you're thinking. Or, I know what I would be thinking if I were you. "For the love of humanity, Amanda, the last thing the internet needs is another blog kept by a proud, baby-obsessed mother with no aim other than to brag on her kids!"

This is true. And I promised my Facebook friends I would not allow the blog to become over-run by baby. (The majority of pictures and shameless bragging will be done on Facebook...no qualms.) But, this pregnancy is a huge milestone in my journey toward selflessness, and already, it is shaking my foundations a little.

For instance, about a week and a half ago, I was the picture of confidence about my future motherhood. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and that I would make mistakes. I knew pregnancy itself would get uncomfortable and that I would have to make sacrifices in my diet and activities. And I knew my relationship with Luke would be changed forever.

But, I did NOT expect to fall into worry mode within hours of the test results. What have I eaten the last few days?! Is the drywall dust in the living room poisoning the little one? What about the cleaners I've been using? WHAT IF I TELL EVERYBODY I'M PREGNANT AND I LOSE THIS BABY?

I know lots of people who discover a pregnancy early, celebrate with friends and family, and then suffer terrible loss a few weeks later. The doctor doesn't even want to see me until the end of next month, and I know it's because this method "weeds out" the women who will miscarry before their first appointment. My mom, grandmothers, and aunts all have experienced strong, healthy pregnancies--as far as we know--but I have been plagued by doubts and fears every time I stop celebrating for more than a minute. And this is not godly.

This is a weakness of which I am trusting God to purge me.

In my study of trials, pain, and the way God uses them to teach us lessons, I sometimes go too far in allowing myself to suffer. And, in many cases, I readily hand my happiest moments over to Satan, rather than appear emotionally unstable--too euphoric.

Luke and I started dating at 16, and rather than indulge completely in puppy love, I worried what friends and acquaintances would think about such a young couple. When we married at 20, I was afraid to let myself enjoy the moment, because I felt the world was waiting for us to fail. Statistics are stacked against us.

And we're still very young! Luke hasn't quite finished school, and our home isn't close to being ready. Do people say "congratulations" one minute, and "it's too soon to celebrate" the next? Worse: since I'm only 4-5 weeks along, could they be right?

Friends, please pray for me. I have a way of struggling with big transitions, as I try to find a sturdy perspective. And, unlike my marriage--in which I can choose to prove the statistics wrong through hard work and committment--I'm forced to leave the health of this baby largely in God's hands. And, the truth is, I'm nervous.

As unexpectedly excited as I am, I'm equally and unexpectedly nervous. And I just can't hide it...
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Okay, and the mood is back up again! I just spent too long confessing the negatives and I want to return to the party in my heart.

I just got an email from my brother, who is serving in Iraq, and he said, "Eat like a sumo wrestler and produce a kid worthy of first place at the State Fair." And Dad told all his friends he isn't allowed to "walk" anymore. (He's supposed to "putter.")
How can I worry when I'm sitting in God's hands and laughing with my loved ones every few minutes?